By Jeremy Azevedo

One thing I’ve always wondered about Transformers is this: They’re from another planet right? So like, when they first get here, and they have to pick a vehicle or object to transform into, how do they know what to pick? What happens if they pick something that maybe seems really cool to them, but to us is totally retarded? Does anyone else ever wonder that?

See, Transformers couldn’t possibly have had any frame of reference as to what constitutes a cool and/or effective vehicle or device when they first arrived on Earth... And we all know that clearly, there are no take-backs, or else there never would have been Transformers turning into microscopes, boomboxes, Pontaic Fieros or shit like that. If they really knew what they were doing, each and every one of them would have transformed into Blackhawk helicopters or Ferrari Testarossas and called it a day. I mean, who would choose to be a dumptruck? People put f**king garbage inside of you, it’s disgusting. So I guess the real question is, what happened to all the Transformers that didn’t become, like, monster trucks and fighter jets and cool shit like that when they first got here from Cybertron? We did a little research and came up with a few that didn’t make the team:

Ringulon (Decepticon)

Like his good buddy Soundwave, Ringulon mistakenly decided to transform into a piece of technology that already had one foot in the cyber-grave. For the first couple of years, Ringulon was able to infiltrate the highest levels of government disguised as a state-of-the-art Zach Morris phone... Today, he’s lucky if some hipster uses him as a prop for his Bret Easton Ellis dance party. Ringulon currently resides in Japan, where they still love robots no matter what they transform into.

Tugjob (Autobot)

Due to the severe and crippling shortage of female Autobots on Earth, there was just no possible way to keep up with the insatiable demand for the ol’ Tugjob. There aren’t enough Energon Cubes in the galaxy to keep Tugjob powered up in the employ of his lonely brothers, and quite frankly, keeping his wrist and elbow hydraulics in working order just proved to be too much of an uphill battle. Tugjob is now semi-retired in the Bay Area, where he manages a Korean massage parlor.