Super Mario


Style: The English Italian

Special Abilities/Accomplishments: Metabolizes naturally occurring psychedelics into essential vitamins and minerals, able to unclog a drain from ten feet away, capable of removing a turtle from it’s shell in less than a single second, fireproof, waterproof, gorilla-proof, can convert the crazy ideas of a middle-aged Japanese man into skyscraper-high piles of crispy American dollars, ability to melt the panties of any Princess that didn’t turn out to be in another castle all along, enhanced ability to be paired with a raccoon tail or frog suit without being classified as a furry.

Burt Reynolds/Tom Selleck


Style: The Burt Selleck

Special Abilities/Accomplishments: The fact that these two men are largely interchangeable is a testament to the power of this mustache. The Burt Selleck represents the pinnacle of glorious mustache achievement, lending the wearer increased quantities of sex appeal, confidence, machismo, intimidation factor, perceived sensitivity, intelligence, charisma, physical strength, and raw animal magnetism. This is why all law enforcement officers and some high-ranking military are required to wear a Burt Selleck, regardless of age or gender. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not look directly at the Burt Selleck or risk spontaneous re-birthing of a fully-grown, incredibly hairy and macho adult male. Paraplegics are known to have been granted the ability to walk (even strut!) again simply by growing a Burt Selleck. I spontaneously grew a mustache RIGHT NOW just by writing about the Burt Selleck. You should too.