By Jeremy Azevedo

Now that we are hurtling toward a new decade at breakneck speeds, 80s nostalgia is really beginning to show it’s age.

All of the people that were actually cool in the 80s (and are still living today) now look ridiculous… like grandparents in designer jeans, desperately clinging to the last shreds of youth, their tattoos faded and running together on skin that looks like leathery, pre-chewed gum. Metal Skool in Los Angeles is drawing nothing but frat bros in backwards baseball caps and 80s night at the local all ages club is starting to look like an episode of “To Catch a Predator”. Obviously the only thing to do now is to leave the dead to lay and move on to the inevitable 90s nostalgia. But before doing so, I would like to caution everyone against resurrecting these ten 90s trends that are better off dead...

Modern Primitives


Clearly an expert on primitive cultures.

These assholes justified their crappy “tribal” tattoos and facial piercings by claiming that they were paying homage to the rite of passage rituals practiced by primitive cultures. Just what primitive cultures these were, exactly, was never quite clear, as there was never such a thing as a  “Modern Primitive” cultural historian or anthropology professor. Rather, most were probably employed primarily as BDSM club bartenders, industrial musicians, janitors or anything else that did not require a college education or any interfacing with the public at large. Every time you see some asshole manbot with a “tribal” tattoo on his bicep or get sneered at by a surly teen skank with a ring in her nose and a fishhook in her lip, you have the Modern Primitives to thank.

Cloning


Cloning: It really only works if you are Michael Keaton.

Cloning will never, ever result in another “you” that can go to work for you while you stay at home sniffing airplane glue and playing video games all day. Nor will it ever provide you with an exact copy of your jealous girlfriend to participate in threesomes without your lady-piece getting all weird about it. So, knowing that, my question is “why bother?”