By Moses Amadeus

Have you ever been dating some broad that won’t get off your nuts no matter how badly you treat her? Is she like a Chinese f**king finger trap, and the harder you struggle, the tighter her grip becomes? You sir, are a vagina. It’s about goddamn time for you to grow a pair and get that monkey the hell off your back once and for all.

Step 1: Cheating



If you haven’t thought about cheating as a way to get out of the relationship, then I wonder how you’re even reading this, because you’re obviously acutely retarded. Cheating is a great way to get out of your current relationship quickly and cleanly, no messy, drawn out bullshit, just “I never want to see you again” and that’s that. Plus you get laid! It’s pretty much a win/win situation.

Step 2: Creepy Hobby/Fetish


If your girlfriend is into this, maybe you should rethink breaking up after all.

Here’s another fun one that can lead to a whole new world of enjoyment for you. Why not take up a deal breaking, creepy hobby and/or fetish? Who knows, you might find that you get real, meaningful satisfaction out of watching snuff films, or practicing taxidermy on your neighbors’ still-living pets. Even better, ask your girlfriend to take part in your nightly prison rape fantasies (with you as the aggressor, of course). Or how about forcing her to be the guitar tech for your air-guitar jam band thrice weekly? I’ll tell you what I do know: she’ll be running for the hills while you’re having the time of your life on whatever sick, sad voyage of self discovery that your diseased mind conceives of.