By Johnny Firecloud

In honor of American Airlines canceling nearly 1,000 flights for the third day in a row, we've put together a list of the top ten reasons why flying sucks.

10. Security - These people can't stop 19 guys with boxcutters, but somehow they manage to be more thorough than a forensic analyst at a multiple homicide scene when I'm late for my flight. Here's my goddamn shoes already - now let me on the plane.

9. Canceled flights - They will cancel your flights without warning and offer the worst possible alternative, like a 3am flight with 7 connections - to a destination two states away.

8. Food - It's not your imagination, the meals have gotten worse over time. Airlines are doing everything they can to cut costs, and that means the hunk of rubbery "meat" on a plastic dish next to a tooth-chippingly hard brownie square is the best you're gonna get.

7. Seatbelts - Yeah, a piece of Kevlar is going to help when the plane becomes a jangled mess of fire and steel.

6. Delays - There's nothing quite like the volcanic frustration of being stuck in your seat while the plane sits on the tarmac for 4 hours, waiting to take off.

5. Baggage Claim - Half the time your luggage is missing, the other half it comes down the conveyor belt ripped open with your skidmarked boxers hanging out, inside out and ass upwards.

4. That goddamned curtain dividing coach and first class - Like they're throwing some party we're not invited to. Oh wait, they are; One with bigger seats, better cushioning and edible food.

3. Screaming kids - It's like these parents keep their kids up for three days straight prior to the flight, then stick a jolt cola IV in their arms and shards of glass under their fingernails. Kids should be placed in soundproof overhead compartments equipped with PSP's and a harmless sedative gas.

2. The bathroom - It's tiny, you can't wash both your hands at once because the faucet's retarded, and there's a constant fear of being sucked into the toilet with the blue water and that scary suction sound.... and people are supposed to have sex in there?

1. The seats - Nice! You scored a window seat. There's no leg room, but you've got something to lean against, so things look tolerable. That is, until the morbidly obese old lady with the bag of fried chicken finds her seat - right next to you. Let's face it: there's nothing good about airline seats, unless you're flying first class.