By Steven Busch

I recently saw Metallica perform live. It was the first time I had seen Metallica, so I was pretty excited. I showed up late missing both the opening bands, The Sword and Machine Head, both of which I might have been thrilled to see under normal circumstances.

The only thing on my mind was the mighty Metallica.

Upon walking in, I noticed a few things, the first being that there was a noticeable lack of attractive women. I had figured that, what with the watering down of Metallica's songs as of late, this would open them up to more of an early-twenties, sorority girl crowd. Boy was I wrong… A handful of the run-of-the-mill, chubby teen girls, with Cannibal Corpse or Metallica T-shirts were about the only females under drinking age. There were also a few Midwest looking, chewed up and spit out, peroxide blonde chicks roaming around, fake boobs in the lead.


Some hambeasts at the show.

I also noticed that the beer stands were very few and far between, and damn it all to hell, they closed at 10 o’clock, only half way through Metallica's two-hour set. Bullshit! Not only were there no garish 80s throwback chicks (like I'd assumed there would be), but I only got to drink 2 beers! Double bullshit.

Another thing I noticed were the endless kids running around in Metallica shirts. Did someone forget to send this generation the following memo:

"Don't Wear The Shirt Of The Band You Are Going To See"

I was milling through an endless sea of slovenly teens, who appear to have been wearing their early 2000's era Metallica shirts all week long, as if someone was going to pick them out of the crowd and greet them with, "Hey dude, nice shirt!" FAIL!!!! Every asshole here is wearing that shirt you f**ktard!


Metallidorks.

When I get to my seat, I take a look around. There are a few milfs here and there, a mother/daughter in front of us (the daughter screamed when they played "Nothing Else Matters", but sat bored for a good portion of the show) and various kids and normal looking people. Just as the band breaks into a boisterous rendition of "Four Horsemen" two old people come pushing their way down the isle.

The man stopped next to me, looked at his ticket, looked at the seat, and then looked at me again before grabbed his ladypice and sat down. I look over to get a better look at  what kind of old dude would be in attendance at a Metallica concert and to my gleeful eye, he looks like he could be Donald Southerland's brother. Or at least his brother-in-law.


D.S. in the flesh.

The bathrooms were horrifying. I don't know what kind of feebleminded men attend Metallica concerts, but one thing is for sure: Even when provided with a trough to relieve themselves into, these motards still seem to only be able to urinate on the floor. Each time I had to relieve myself (thankfully only twice because of the previously discussed lack of booze), I had to wade through a disgusting flood of piss, spit, snot, tobacco, and god knows what else. I am not a prissy neat freak, but this was really pushing the boundaries of tolerance.

Other than that, the show was pretty awesome. I could have done with less "Death Magnetic" but all in all, I was not too disappointed with the set list. Lots of old songs, all the classics, no St. Anger, no Load, no Re-Load. They rocked a savage through “Breadfan”. The pyro was at its most prodigious during ONE.


The good ol' days

One thing that I have mixed feelings about is the great circle. If you have never attended an arena show where the great circle is used, here is a quick run down:

Basically, the stage is a giant square in the middle of the floor. The drummer sits in the center, along with the amps, etc, and the rest of the band is free to run around, using any number of mics placed at all corners and also in-between. Although this is probably fun for the band, and looks neat at times, the reality is that you spend a good portion of the concert looking at the lead singers back or are viewing him at an awkward angle.

In conclusion, James Hetfield is still cool as ever. Lars is an egomaniacal asshole, and Metallica can still rock your ass harder than any wussy metal band out now.