By Jeremy Azevedo

Diamond albums are records that are certified b the RIAA to have sold upwards of ten million copies in their lifetime. Some people are misinformed into thinking that this is an honor held by only the most successful and deserving of artists. Sadly, this is not always the case. To illustrate this fact, we have complied a short list of the ten worst albums to ever go Diamond…

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Matchbox 20                    Yourself or Someone Like You                    12 million

You have these assholes to thank for much of the bad, pussy emo lite-rock shit that’s raping the ear-holes of America to this day. And you have singer Rob Thomas to thank for even managing to make Carlos Santana annoying.
 

Ace of Base                                                      The Sign 10 million

Hey the Ace of Base, remember them? They were sort of like ABBA, because, um, they were Swedih right? And sort of, like, poppy? And their names started with the letter “A”? Don’t stress yourself out trying to recall, it isn’t worth the effort. Let’s just try and forget that there was ever this desperate of a need for Swedish euro-pop and try and move on with our lives.

Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet                                          12 million

I hate this album for making karaoke horrible in all but the most clandestine of environments. Not once in my life have I been in a popular karaoke bar in which one out of every three songs was not a Bon Jovi song. Bon Jovi songs aren’t even good to begin with, and the karaoke equivalents are not much better. If you are one of the many legions of mongoloids that think it’s funny to sing “Living on a Prayer” at the top of your lungs with a large throng of your mouth-breathing friends (in public, no less), you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s obnoxious. So stop.

Creed Human Clay                                                      11 million

Ever sinceAH Creed came out, douchebagsAH have been singingAH in this unbearable styleAH. I hopeAH all the peopleAH that bought this albumAH get an infectionAH in their peeholeAH.

MC Hammer Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em                  10 million

 
This album symbolizes the exact moment that rap became safe for suburban, Midwestern white people. No longer forced to enjoy NWA and Gang Starr in secret shame, John Q. Public was now free to embrace hip-hop music, and all the action figures, comic books, Saturday morning cartoons and funny clothes that came along with it! Did all this rampant advertising dilute the message? I don’t know, it doesn’t seem to bother Nelly, 50 Cent and Kanye, the MC Hammers of today one bit!