Linkin Park: Hybrid Theory                                                  10 million

This is the most annoying, uneccesary and over-played album that ever existed. Linkin Park adds nothing to the musical landscape and may just be the second dumbest band after The Insane Clown Posse. There is no excuse for being a Linkin Park fan over the age of 16. If you or anyone you know enjoys listening to Linkin Park, you should make a doctor’s appointment right away and make sure that you don’t have advanced obsessive compulsive order. Because that’s the only way you could possibly tolerate hearing the same f**king songs on radio stations nationwide, several times a day, for going on eight years now.

Kenny G Breathless                                                         12 million

 
Come on, people. Seriously?

Hootie & The Blowfish                                    Cracked Rearview  16 million

 
Possibly a candidate for most soulless album ever. Hootie somehow manages to make every song sound like a commercial for oatmeal or some such boring-ass shit, but that didn’t stop sixteen million (!) morons from taking the bait. Why? If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t waste my time bitching about it to you cretins, now would I?

Kid Rock: Devil Without a Cause – 11 million

Kid Rock Devil Without a Cause                                    11 million

 
Bawitaba anyone? I didn’t think so. Even nu-metal dorks thought this album was lame. I wasn’t aware that there were enough strippers in the world to make this album go diamond. But how else were hard-up city girls going to do a dance dressed like Daisy Dukes from “The Dukes of Hazard” without first procuring a copy of “Cowboy” by Kid Rock? It’s not like you can pole dance to country music. Line dance, maybe. But not pole dance.

James Horner Titanic (Music From The Motion Picture)  11 million

 
This one isn’t even a real album. It’s just one of those crappy soundtracks made up of generic orchestral music only fit to play in the background of some overwrought film production with it’s sights set on buying up some Oscar gold. Despite this fact, the “Titanic” soundtrack sold a bajillion albums on the strength of the one Celine Dion song included therein. Not only that, but the Celine Dion album with the same song on it sold about the same number of albums. That means that over twenty million women and gay men bought a Celine Dion album the year that “My Heart Will Go On” warbled it’s way to the top of the charts, thus proving that straight men are either the most resilient against traditional marketing practices or that they have the least amount of disposable income. Or that women and gay dudes have the worst taste in music imaginable. Or all three.

You’ll notice that most of these truly awful albums came out in the 1990s. Coincidence, or proof that the 90s were the worst time ever in musical history? You decide.