WORST FILMS OF 2009

10. Paul Blart Mall Cop 

I am really starting to hate Kevin James, like I mean two to the back of the head hate him. All this hack jerk off can make is laugh-at-the-fat-guy movies and he won’t stop making them. He’s like the new Adam Sandler, an unfunny, one trick pony who has long overstayed his welcome. Paul Blart is about as funny as having ten-inch spikes rammed into your ass cheeks, only that has more subtlety. Who doesn’t love laughing at people who have ball-busting jobs that don’t pay well? Next we can set up a camera outside Wal-Mart and have Kevin James just laugh and fart at all the abused workers there. Wouldn't that be hysterical Kev?

09. Donkey Punch 

Hey I have a swinging idea!! Let’s take a phrase designed to make 12-year-old boys laugh and try to turn it into a thriller. The “plot” is that Sluts pick up hot guys and the have sex, one slut gets killed, and then a badly written, hamfisted cat and mouse game begins with the rest of the gang. By the end of this mean spirited, hate filled, craptastic movie was I wanted God or Buddha or Vishnu or whoever to donkey punch everybody involved in this shit fest. This isn’t edgy or pushing the envelope, it’s just plain good old stupid. 

08. Funny People 

I’m not sure what happened with this bloated, convoluted mess of a movie except that Judd Apatow decided to pull his pants down, shit and rub all our noses in it. This story of a famous comedian (Adam Sandler) who is dying and hires a nobody to be his assistant (Seth Rogan) has absolutely no clue what it wants to be. It starts as a drama, then becomes a comedy, then a relationship movie and finally dissolves into nothing at all. Relationships start that are never followed through with, plot points come up and then vanish, characters appear and then don’t ever again, it’s astounding this movie got to see the light of day. The best part is that it isn’t funny, ever, on any level at all. I’m hoping this is the Gigli of Adam Sandler’s career and that the failure of this movie and Observe And Report will shake Seth Rogan out of complacency.

07. The Informers

Hey did you ever wonder what a nostalgic look at the rich and affluent in the 80s would be like if it also starred Mickey Rourke? Nope, neither did I. The Informers is one of those movies that had to have been made because some producer needed a way to hide his gigantic cocaine payment. I say that based on the fact that this train wreck of a movie has nothing going on. I don’t mean that from a critical standpoint I mean it literally. NOTHING goes on in The Informers at all. It’s like watching a movie about rich people tanning or cursing at one another. Go watch One Tree Hill or Gossip Girls and you’ll get the same thing only for free and you’ll be able to shut it off during the parts you can’t stomach (which is all of them).

06. X-Men Origins: Wolverine 

This is a rushed, badly written movie that has no idea what it wants to be so it tries to be everything. I’m not sure if it was Fox or Marvel who decided that throwing in random mutants for guest spots was a good idea but these cameos do more to sink the film than anything else. There is no reason to try and do a film that gives us some definitive story to Wolverine’s past, especially when it’s slapped together like this hunk of shit. Wolverine largely feels as if there was no script and that the entire crew decided it would be easier to make it up as they went along instead of bothering with silly details like character development or dialog. Instead of Snikt Snikit we should be hearing Shitty Shitty when Wolverine’s claws go out.

05. Paranormal Activity

The most over hyped piece of junk to come out all year, Paranormal Activity did little more but prove that if you market to people correctly they become sheep. I was prepared for Paranormal Activity not to be the “scariest movie ever” as it was advertised but what I wasn't prepared for was how incredibly boring the film is, how absolutely nothing happens until a ludicrous ending that made the end of Orphan look like cinematic genius. When Paranormal Activity finished I was shocked, not by the content but by the fact it was over. Something else had to happen right? There had to be more right? Nope, that was it, credits started and the movie was all done. I was expecting somebody to come out, laugh at the audience and then start kicking all the guys in the nuts and pulling the girls nipples with pliers. Hey, at least that would’ve been really shocking.

04. GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra 

How about GI Joe: The Sinking Of a Franchise or GI Joe: Proof Shit Floats or maybe just CGI Joe? This punch line of a movie brought a real high school talent show vibe to the world of big budget effects films by tossing acting and plot out the window in order to make room for more computer wizardry. Everybody involved here sucks so badly that you give up caring whose good or bad you just want it to end, like the sound of a high-pitched alarm if it was set off an inch from your skull. The worst part was watching poor Denis Quaid limp through this film trying to pretend he cared. I guess he had a balloon payment on the house or he owed a bookie because outside of that I can’t figure why he’d be in this vomit pool of a movie.

03. Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun Li

Remember the 1994 movie also based on the video game? Remember how bad it sucked? Well this new one makes it look like Casablanca. I have never seen acting this bad in my life, seriously, never, even in movies where the actors were supposed to be awful. Based on the popular video game Street Fighter tells the story of a chick who can fight and fights other folks who can fight to avenge her dad who couldn’t fight. Every single cliché is here including the mysterious “master”, the big training sequence and the dig-deep-grasshopper-to-find-the-strength moral.

It’s hard to decide who sucked more in Street Fighter; on one side we have Kristin Kreuk (from Smallville) as the title character who can’t seem to emote anything but whiney sadness. On the other side we have Moon Bloodgood (yep that’s her name) who tries to make up for her lack of acting ability by looking sexy. There’s not enough sexiness in the universe to keep from figuring out she should be out hawking Avon not acting. My only choice is to pick Kreuk up by her ankles and use her to beat Bloodgood to death with.

02. Halloween 2

Halloween 2 is a big silly stupid mess. A movie that is so bad I still believe Rob Zombie just shows up on set and says "uh, I guess like...y'know, act or something". He is unable to master even the most rudimentary ideas of film making to a point where I’m beginning to think it's performance art, like he’s fucking with us. Halloween 2 isn’t just bad; it’s incredibly lazy filmmaking even for a hack like Zombie. For instance at the start of the film Myers breaks out of an ambulance and kills both drivers incredibly violently however a year later when the killing starts again nobody thinks it’s Myers because his “body was never found”? Really? The bloodied and dismembered ambulance drivers didn’t clue these idiots in that Myers might be still around? That kind of inconsistency in logic is the entire make up of this horrible movie save for Zombie’s weird addiction to prolonging human agony.

01.Surveillance 

Jennifer Lynch, David Lynch’s daughter, could rival Rob Zombie as the worst director of the last twenty years. Having delivered her first film abortion with Boxing Helena Lynch waited sixteen years to unveil her next massacre of modern cinema; Surveillance. Surveillance is really a miracle of filmmaking in that it fails on every level. The script is an illogical mess, the characters completely uninteresting, the direction non-existent, the editing sloppy, even the costumes are fucking boring. I guess Lynch figured if she threw in some odd camera angles and creepy music she'd be compared to her father. Instead she hands us a movie that looks and feels like a pretentious film student's final project gone horribly wrong. Surveillance is at its core a Hostel/Saw like film that attempts to hide its violence porn by proclaiming it as art. I hated this movie so completely that it’s not only my worst film of 2009 but also my worst of the last decade.