I had started this weekend with a much brighter outlook on humanity than I ended up with. Why you ask? Well, lots of reasons but one of them was the fact that New Moon (the latest Twilight movie) made two hundred and fifty eight million dollars worldwide.
I will repeat that.
New Moon made two hundred and fifty eight million dollars worldwide this weekend……the mind reels.
These are movies based on novels that are a stone’s throw away from being coloring books and yet people flock to them like the second coming. What did I miss? Is it really so compelling watching the sad Vampire do battle with the jock werewolf over a girl who does little more than mumble and complain? Apparently it is, apparently if you can re-write the masturbation material of a tween girls diary then you can be considered an “author” much like Stephanie Meyer is.
For all those who are about to hand me the “They aren’t written for you” excuse you can save it. The Last Apprentice books by Joseph Delany weren’t written for me and neither were the extremely well written Harry Potter books. Just because it isn’t written specifically for my age group doesn’t mean I can’t tell how bad the Twilight books are. These movie versions are little more than extended music videos were the kids from “Impossibly Attractive High” pout and whine over their lives. The only difference is we’re dealing with Vampires and Werewolves instead of the “rebel” kids taking on the football players in the parking lot.
Being a man who over analyzes everything I decided to try and focus my unending rage at the Twilight saga both film and written versions. It’s not that I’m jealous of Stephanie Meyers’ success because I never published a novel, not at all. I know that because I’m busy being way jealous of other authors much more talented than she is. It’s also not that I care how good looking the cast is, though I do find it silly that to be supernatural you have to be an underwear model but I digress. Why did I hate these movies so much? I harnessed my hatred and came up with ten reasons.
10. The Depth Of A Cereal Bowl
I only read two of the Twilight books and I had to stop because nothing was going on that interested me at all. It wasn’t that I wanted more action I just wanted to care at all on any level about these characters. These books never go below the surface level of anything involved with them. Main character Bella and Edward (the Vampire) for all their endless love don’t invest much more feeling into what they’re doing than the average high school couple.
Bella spends most of her time oozing about how beautiful Edward is and he just acts like the wounded dutiful boyfriend. Edward never develops a personality of his own; he’s instead regulated to being what every high school girl wishes her perfect man would be. The vampire family he comes from are mainly plot devices put into play to move the story along instead of being a part of it. Same with the Werewolf posse that show up in New Moon and exist to protect people from Vampires but are really there to give Edward a foil for Bella’s affections via Jacob her wolf buddy.
The danger is never dangerous it’s never compelling or even a little frightening. Worse than that you don’t even care how the characters will get out of the mess they’re in because you know it’ll be just as simple as the rest of the book or movie. I also find it fascinating how Edward is supposed to be one hundred and eight years old but maintains the emotional maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy. You’d think simply by his length of bone he’d be a little more on the ball emotionally. Then again he’s one hundred and eight and still in high school so what does that tell you.
09. Shirtless Werewolves Do It Quicker!
This is more a movie issue than anything else but it’s still kind of bizarre. Apparently once you become a Werewolf you want to make sure to go unnoticed by walking around in pants with no shirt. You’d also apparently inherit rock hard abs once the change happens. Are there no chubby Werewolves or are they simply eaten once they’re born? I would also think it’d be hard to strut through the Pacific Northwest in no shirt when it gets balls shriveling cold up there. I guess the intense heat of being a Werewolf trapped in the body of a street hustler keeps you warm.
I was also curious exactly why the transformation into a Werewolf took eight seconds from start to finish? Bones just don’t do that, skin doesn’t do that, and fur doesn’t grow that fast. Remember American Werewolf In London? That dude was invested in that transformation. Even the old fifties Werewolf had to sit there for five minutes while the camera “faded” him into lycanthrope glory. Not in Twilight, in that reality completely changing your entire physical make up is like sneezing or throwing up. I guess it’s why Werewolves don’t wear shirts in their human form. If they do they can’t change that fast. Much the same way that if you leave your tray down or seat reclined a plane can’t land.
