There are many problems in the world and there aren’t enough genuine people trying to fix them. It seems like no one is sincere these days. I believe that religion can be the answer in these trying times but only religions that haven’t resulted in thousands of years of terror and wars. The only religion that fits that single criterion is the one I was recently ordained in: The Church of the Jedi. Yes, it’s an actual religion. No, we don’t have light sabers or use mind tricks and yes, we all live in our mother’s basements.
For future editions, feel free to send your questions to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Without further ado, your life will get better instantly as you hear advice from a well-trained Jedi Knight.
Can I use the force to enhance my sexual pleasure? Well, official Jedi doctrine says no on this. You may be put off by the need of the Jedi church to regulate what happens in the bedroom but it wouldn’t be a religion if we didn’t go poking our heads where they didn’t belong. One might think there’s no better way to work on the focus needed to master the force than by using during coitus but there’s a practical reason not to use it for sex. Most of the time, the reminder to use the force comes from the ghost of one of your mentors. Unless your mentor was Pamela Anderson (she’s dead, right?) then I don’t think you’re going to want to go down that road. Right when you’re about to score, do you really want some old guy ghost telling you what to do?
Of course not. I realize some people invoke God during sex, but I understand that’s more of an expression rather than a request for an audience with God while in the midst of doing the nasty.
Who do the Jedi throw their support behind in the general election? Well, I haven’t made my official endorsement yet. As I have founded one of only a half-dozen Jedi Church Orders in America, I feel my endorsement will speak for the Jedi in America. So, if you are a campaign manager, the time to court me is now. My gut is telling me to vote for Barack Obama because even though black people tend to double cross you (thanks for nothing Lando Calrissian!), they tend to work out in the end (thanks for the change of mind, Lando!). Besides, John McCain looks too much like the emperor.
Why not vote for Hilary? See the above in reference to John McCain.
There’s a boy I like in my class but I can’t work up the nerve to ask him out, what can I do differently? There is no try in our faith. There is do and do not. A lot of people misinterpret that to think they should have confidence and do everything but it’s not always about the “do.” Sometimes the “do not” is better and in this case, I have to say don’t do it. This is a typical question from nerds so I’m assuming this kid you like is wayyyyy out of your league honey. Think of it like this. He can’t break your heart if you don’t give him the chance to reject you.
I’m addicted to reality TV, what can I do? Kill yourself. That’s not the only solution, though. You could also become addicted to science fiction movies. Those fan clubs will get you out of the house every now and then. Most importantly, you won’t be addicted to reality tv anymore. It’s like when you get a small cut on your knee. How do you stop it from hurting? Hit your hand really hard with a hammer and you won’t even feel the pain in your knee anymore.
If you have any questions for a trained Jedi Knight, email Mark at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
