Did you know that this is the month for ‘Knocked Up’ to make its DVD debut? Oh, you did! Well, did you also know that movies like ‘Knocked Up’ are more than simple entertainment? They are treasure troves of valuable life affirming information. A great many men are more successful, happy, and attractive than me, simply because they lived off a steady regiment of Top Ramen, shiatsu massage, and watching a short list of important movies. Is there a complete and total useless jack ass in your life? If the answer is yes, then you’re not sending your gluttonous mouth breather boyfriend to the movies and or video store enough. Check out this list of helpful films, and maybe the next time your parents come by to visit your idiot boyfriend won’t fart in their dinner.

All right class, we’re gonna hit you with some movies that will ether hurt or help your man. Remember, that reinforcement is reinforcement, so whether you’re wonderfully kind or godlessly cruel, the results will be the same. So we’ll show you the good videos, and the heartless ones. Which one you pick is completely up to you.

---

The College Boy:

Is your man stuck in his ‘Man I was so f**kin’ cool’ college days? He still wearing his crusty UCLA t-shirt that he actually got for free at a bank a year before he actually got to the school. Does he make jokes about how you aren’t as cool as you used to be, like when he caught you puking outside a bar in the village? Yes, it’s true you can get sweet revenge by screwing all his friends, but you’re pretty sure his best friend has Chlamydia so don’t go there. Instead try this.

Good DVD: PCU


No one is as cool as Jeremy Piven in PCU, just ask George Clinton, so swayed by the white boys rap, Parliament Phunkadelic played the movie for free (plus their fair share of the white women). Once you boyfriend realizes he will never be as cool as the Piv-meister he’ll relax. Heck he might even recall all the lame things he did in college that alcohol had erased from his memory, like that homo-erotic experience he had with his best friend… oh sh*t, do you have Chlamydia?

Evil DVD: The Skulls



Yeah, it is a crap movie, are you following me here? Your ass munch boyfriend thinks his college life was the ‘shit’ because he was there to protest the increase for junior college tuition doesn’t he? Well pop this DVD in with a kind ‘f*ck you’ to boot. Just listen from the next room as your ‘man’ cries every time ‘Pacey’ makes an appearance. Wait until he’s about halfway through before walking in and saying, “By the way, this is an extended DVD with a 10 minute make out scene between Joshua Jackson and Paul Walker. As soon as he screams in agony throw the remote out the window and lock him in the apartment. Repeat as necessary and you won’t have to hear anymore crap about the good old college days.

The Couch Potato:

So, you’ve been married a few years and it’s become very clear that what you thought was your couch is in actuality a large piece of your husbands fat, lazy ass. You both work, and by the time you get home your hubbies already there, with his ass deeper into the couch than he’s ever been inside of you. What can you do that’s not a felony? How about a few movies to change his wasted life?

Good DVD: Grandma’s Boy



Everyone remembers Dante from Grandma’s Boy, the guy who was always stoned, rarely even dressed, and dumber than saw dust? Yes! That guy! He sure is the life of the party ain’t he? Everyone seems to like him, he always has pot and something stupid to say, what more can you want. If it weren’t for Dante’ then we would never have answers to very important questions, like how much pot does it take before your stoned enough to order a monkey that knows Kung Fu? But, as far as your boyfriend is concerned the most important thing to point out while watching this movie is simply this. DANTE NEVER, EVER GET’S LAID! Then you stand up and lock your chastity belt, swallow the key, and then fasten your Hannibal Lector mask tight before going to bed topless. He’ll get off that couch in about three days.

Evil DVD: Seven



Odds are good that if you can’t get your boy off the couch, he’s probably not built like an Olympic swimmer. That’s OK, if you’re into the bigger guys, but if a strange smell seems to be emanating from whatever your husband’s raw thighs touch, then extreme measures need to be taken. Turn on the movie and leave him. No seriously, leave that guy! What the heck is wrong with you? There’s no movie I can think of that will really help your husband lose weight, but if you play this crazy film and never come back he won’t know what to do with himself. He’ll either turn over a new leaf, upon which you can reconnect with him, or someone will find him dead in his apartment at about 800lbs. with half a pizza lodged down his throat. Either way, you’re a free woman.

He's a man-child:

Is the youthful exuberance that originally attracted you to your man the reason you now despise him? Ha ha ha, dumb ass. Your mother told you he was childish, that having a race car bed at 23 wasn’t normal. But, you thought it was cute. Now you’re living together, in the race care bed, and his two roommates in your 1 bedroom apartment. You don’t know what’s worse, how he giggles like a little kid whenever you have sex or the fact that you can see a silhouette of  your roommate lay his girl with a gorilla schlong  through the sheet that separates your ‘rooms’ every other night. God, he must be killing that poor girl with that ‘thing’. If you want your boy to grow up, try these…

Good DVD: Mrs. Doubtfire



Firstly, by watching this movie, your boyfriend will see that he’s not the only man who sucks, Robin Williams was the worst husband to not beat his wife. He showed us that the best way to ruin a marriage is to act like one of the kids. Now your boyfriend can see what a jack ass he is. Unfortunately he’ll also learn that the best way to fix all his mistakes are to dress up in drag. You’re on your own fixing that problem.

Evil DVD: Billy Madison



I know what you’re thinking, how will Billy Madison help my man grow up? Easy, let him watch the movie, while you call his job telling them that he never really finished college. Tell them that he lied on his resume and that he never actually finished high shool. Also throw in the idea that he’s been sleeping with the bosses daughter and wife. By the time he’s done watching the movie, he’ll find out that he’s not only out of a job, but oh look; you’ve burned all his transcripts and ruined his professional reputation. Then you tell him that now he can be just like Billy Madison. Heck, maybe a hot girl will want to sleep with him when he repeats second grade, it just won’t be you, you’re too busy dating his recently divorced boss.

Baby Trouble:

So, he got you pregnant, and neither of you can stop crying. Your not quite ready to be a mother, and he’s well… him. Unless you want to face this alone, you’d better show him…

Good DVD: Knocked Up



On the upside, he’ll see himself as Seth Rogan and you as Katherine Heigl and never leave you,  he knows as well as you do that he can’t do any better. Unfortunately he’ll also visualize having sex with a pregnant Heigl and ruin your sex life for at least three years because you’ll never look that good pregnant. At least you know that he will stick by you through thick and thin (meaning you) and will only make fun of your pregnancy when he’s around his buddies slipping diaper money down a strippers g-string.

Evil DVD: Look Who’s Talking



Just pop in the DVD and say, “You remind me of this guy.” As soon as he sees the name John Travolta in the credits he will realize how lame he has become. From that point on just occasionally walk into the room and say, “man, our son is gonna be just like that guy.” Then call him a queer just as you leave the room, if he’s crying softly to himself about an hour into the film then its working. When the movie finally ends and he’s on the living room floor in the fetal position, just whisper to him, “let’s watch Three Men and Baby next.” He will either immediately change his attitude or jump out the window, either way you win!

He's a womanizer:

Is your man your man? How can you tell? Where is he right now? If you don’t know then he’s cheating on you. Do your friends always seem to see your man out with a different female ‘cousin’ every weekend? How about last minute business trips to Vegas despite the fact that your husband cleans sh*t houses for a living (how many port o’ potty conventions do they have in one year, honestly?)? If you think that your husbands womanizing ended the day he said, “I do.” Then your crazy. You should have known better when your new husband went to remove your garter at the wedding, he already had one in his mouth that wasn’t yours. If you want him to cut the sh*t, then try these movies.

Good DVD: Switch



First off Jimmy Smits is killed in the beginning of the movie. This will let your asshole know that you mean business. Secondly he’s replaced by a woman who most likely isn’t hotter than you (Ellen Barkin isn’t hotter than anyone). You can really stop it right there, because his imagination will take over. Just remind him how he would treat Ellen Barkin if he came across her chasing men out of a bar. Show him pictures of the time he hooked up with her in an alley behind the Sizzlers by the airport. He’ll burn his little black book immediately.

Evil DVD: Extremities



I know, hopefully your boyfriend isn’t a rapist (if he is, then you need more help than I can offer, you might want to consider arming yourself), but he’s probably a schmuck who ‘eye-rapes’ every woman he sees, including your mother and friends. First show him some old episodes of Charlies Angels and say things like, “I bet Farrah Fawcett could kick your ass!” He’ll disagree, and go on a long tirade about how he would beat up a woman (how manly). Just calmly put Extremities in the DVD player, and wait. Eventually he’ll be riveted to the TV unable to turn away, completely oblivious to the fact that you just tied his dumb ass up. Don’t hurt him, just leave him tied while you make him watch the movie repeatedly all afternoon. After he spends the entire next day on the phone apologizing to every woman he’s ever met, he’ll be all yours to control and dominate.