Dane Cook had it right that the best part of going to the movies is the trailers. Because for those fifteen minutes every one in the theater is a movie critic. The trailers come up across the screen and within those two-to-three minutes you have decided if a movie is good or not. This entire opening weekend of a film relies on these people who take the best clips of a movie and make sure that the trailer is phenomenal. But sometimes these people are just a little too good at their jobs. Sometimes you will see a trailer so well done that you automatically want to give it an Oscar, but what if the real thing is so bad it doesn’t deserve your nine bucks? At best you wished you would have snuck in but then you still would have lost those two hours of your life.
These are the four biggest disappointments of the summer; those movies that made us shake with anticipation, and then vomit from disappointment.
4. Balls of Fury
“Ping Pong…or as the Chinese call it, Ping Pong” sadly this is the funniest line of the entire movie. A line that has been played out in every trailer made for Balls of Fury. The movie is about young ping pong champion Randy Daytona, and his great comeback with the FBI to take down crime lord, Feng (Christopher Walken), in an underground ping pong tournament. Sounds like a spoof right? Well it actually feels like a spoof of a spoof….which is just wrong.
Why it didn’t work: When this movie first hit the radar most people thought one thing, “Christopher Walken? Sure I’ll see it.” But what they got was a regurgitated character of Christopher Walken that oddly enough doesn’t flow for this movie. There is also a pretty sad storyline that alludes to an epic rematch between Daytona and lifelong rival Wolfschtagg, and then you get screwed out of that by Wolfsctagg getting killed right before the match. Even the final “battle” between Feng and Daytona ends up seemingly forced, ending with the weak demise of Feng. Oh and if one more movie decides to do a spoof on Scarface I will personally build a time machine, go back to 1983, and threaten Oliver Stone’s life if he finishes the script. The movie is twenty four years old, I beg every writer to find something else to make fun of. Sorry George Lopez…it didn’t even work for you.
3. Rush Hour 3
Let’s get to the trilogies, because the summer was full of them. The third installments of Rush Hour, Spider-Man, Ocean’s 13, Shrek, Pirates, and The Bourne Movies were all released this summer, only three were good. Rush Hour 3 came back after a 6 year absence, reuniting the action/comedy team of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, this time hitting the streets of France to follow Chan’s brother and the killer of the Chinese ambassador. A final battle ensues on the Eiffel Tower and Jackie Chan of course has to end up fighting his brother to the death.
Why it didn’t work: When X-Men: The Last Stand came out a personal vendetta started between Brett Ratner and myself. Yet I figured “he at least he made those two good Rush Hour movies.” Well guess what he ruined yet another trilogy. This movie had it all, terrible acting, bad dialogue, and terrible special effects. It truly feels like you’re watching an early 90’s movie and you can just picture the green screen behind them. People with a medium quality editing system on their computer could have done better. Not to mention that Jackie Chan is slowing down in his age. He can’t exactly pull off all the amazing stunts he used to, and half the time you expect him to break a hip. And no one ever wants to hear Jackie Chan say the words “dirty movie.” It’s just wrong.
2. Shrek the Third
So what could be worse than a fairly crappy sequel to a great movie? Try turning it into an incredibly crappy trilogy. Shrek the Third came out and once again the trailer made it look fairly good, but sadly you then see the film….and everything goes downhill. This third installment is the story of Fiona’s father passing away and leaving Shrek the king of far, far, away. Deciding he doesn’t want the job he soon finds a loop hole that sends him on the hunt for a new king, and guess who he finds? A young lad by the name of Artie (short for Arthur, get it? He’s going to become king Arthur…ha ha….ah clever.). And meanwhile back at home Prince Charming is trying to take over.
Why it didn’t work: Let’s start with the big one; all these jokes are overdone, and the characters overplayed. The ginger bread man’s squeaky voice, donkey’s annoying jokes and over talking, and puss in boots giving his big eyes. We’ve seen it is been done and it’s time to move on. Secondly, the only new characters they give the audience is a half funny Merlin, and a whiney little punk Artie, who is played by the equally whiney Justin Timberlake. The only Jokes that were funny, were over played in the trailers to make them old and dry by the time it hit theatres, and the story was predictable and lame. Over all, the next time they decide they should make another Shrek movie, they should just get drunk and move on, because the Shrek Keg has run dry.
1. Spider-Man 3
With great sequels comes a terrible trilogy. In comic book movie history no third has really worked today. It’s like the creators get together and say “hey I have a ‘good’ idea…” then they lead off with ideas like; let’s put Richard Pryor in a Superman movie, or let’s kill off all our main x-men, or, let’s give the bat suit nipples and make Robin say “holy rusted metal Batman,” or my favorite let’s use three villains and make put least amount of time into every ones favorite! Spider-Man 3 was obviously no exception to this rule. The movie all though most of you should know, featured the famous black suit, an emo Peter Parker, the “New Goblin”, Sandman, and a kinda sorta version of Venom. Peter starts pushing away every one and basically becomes a 13 year old girl. He then has to face off against Sandman and New goblin, and then teams up with New Goblin and moves on to Sandman and Venom (this says soap opera all over it). And basically every single good shot of this movie is shown in the most amazing trailer ever.
Why it didn’t work: Let’s start with the obvious of emo Peter. The first time he goes out in the black suit when he is finished with his fight against Sandman he actually comes his hair over one eye, this was what most considered the comic relief. So for those of you who followed the film, they had to wave a fat check under Tobey’s nose to get him to even sign on for a third one but does that mean he had to ruin the character for every one…since when did the black suit give you the power of piano playing and crappy dancing. Now moving on to the villains; it’s like everyone in this movie decided to flip the bad ass switch to off and the whiney girl switch to on. First you have New Goblin “You killed my father! How could you do this!” Then there is Sandman “oh I don’t want my daughter to die, I’m forced to be a criminal!” and finally you have Venom “ahh we both want the spider dead because he ruined my life and stole my girl!” Speaking of Venom he looked like a goomba from the 90’s Mario brothers films. His stupid short rounded face, and Sam Rami committed the ultimate sin…he ruined almost every ones favorite Marvel villain. He said he never wanted to do Venom then changed his mind due to studio pressure. I would rather never have seen Venom on the big screen then get what we got. All in all Sam Rami disappointed many, and the curse of the third comic book movies continues.