George Lucas is preparing to add two whole dimensions to his paper thin snorefest Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. That’s right, the pop culture pariah has decided to release his critically maligned and culturally abhorred prequel in 3D on February 12th, 2012. The only thing we like about this news is that 2-12-12 is a palindrome.
Here are some of the discouraging statements made by Hollywood Reporter in their story:
QUOTE: "LucasFilm believes that Star Wars is perfectly suited to be seen in 3D."
TRANSLATION: Re-releasing the films with an unnecessary mark up in ticket prices is a license to print money.
QUOTE: "Lucas hopes that releasing the film early in the year, outside of the summer blockbuster season, will give it an open run at the box office and also set up the opportunity to sell merchandise through the balance of the year."
TRANSLATION: We have a lot of leftover merchandise from The Phantom Menace that nobody bought, and re-releasing the film will set up the opportunity to get rid of our unwanted inventory without firing up the furnaces.
Also, Lucas? February is no longer the box office dead zone it was when you re-released the original trilogy back in the 1990′s. You will not have an open run at the box office, unless the industry incorrectly surmises that a movie that nobody liked the first time and that audiences only saw because of its event status will somehow be a box office draw the second time, and decide not to compete with you. Doubtless that’s why you’re making this announcement a year in advance.
Hollywood, don’t buy this crap. Go about your business as usual. You have no reason to be concerned.
If successful, the 3D re-release of Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace" will pave the way for each subsequent Star Wars movie to be released in 3D every following year. Meaning that even if you just want to see the original trilogy in theaters again, you’ll not only have to wait five years, but you’ll actually have to buy tickets to the crappy movies beforehand. Oh goody, what incentive.
Seriously, we think there needs be a variation on Godwin’s Law which states that as any conversation grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving the crappiness of the Star Wars sequels, particularly The Phantom Menace, approaches 1.
Crave Online will be back with more Phantom Menace news as it makes no sense whatsoever and crushes our souls in a trash compactor.