“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”
That sentence seems to sum up the last time I was truly a Star Wars fan. Not just a defender or somebody making excuses, but an actual devoted fan to a series of films that were the folklore for my generation. On the eve of the release of the Star Wars: The Complete Saga Blu-ray I sit with a decision my seven-year-old self would never believe. I am not buying the saga on Blu-ray and, for all intents and purposes, I have retired myself as any kind of Star Wars fan.
Let me begin by saying this is not a hate piece. I’m not here to join in the random explosions of rage aimed at George Lucas. To be honest I don’t care anymore. The films I love are gone, a memory now lost in Lucas’s almost sociopathic need to tinker with his creation. This has been coming for a long time and the recent leaks of Lucas’s further, and completely unnecessary, changes to the original films pushed me right over the edge. For those unaware, apparently just before Darth Vader kills the Emperor in Return Of The Jedi he now screams out “NOOOO!”, which makes no sense since Vader’s proclamation of the negative was so universally panned at the end of Episode III. Lucas has also given the Ewoks digital eyelids so they blink as well as upping the ante of the Krayt Dragon sound Ben Kenobi uses to scare off the Sandpeople in the original Star Wars film. Now it sounds more like Ben is getting blown in a soiled bathroom in Mos Eisley than anything else.
Oddly enough, at one point in time I was drinking the Kool Aid. My excitement in 1999 for Episode I drove me to get a tattoo of Darth Maul without even seeing the film. When people began attacking how awful the first prequel was, I defended it. I defended all three of the prequels simply because my mind wouldn’t admit the truth. In my gut I knew the truth, but after waiting for so long to see the origin of Darth Vader, I refused to see how awful they were.
If I’m to be truly honest, my issues with Star Wars really came about during the “Special Edition” craze, when Lucas first decided to show us his penchant for insipid additions. Some of the stuff I was able to rationalize into being necessary. Changing the name of the original film from Star Wars to Episode IV: A New Hope made sense against the backdrop of Empire Strikes Back being hailed as Episode V. I also didn’t mind the extra ships and effects during the first Death Star battle.
Where my train of though began to derail was the added scene between Han Solo and Jabba The Hutt inside Docking Bay 94 where the Millennium Falcon was kept. The scene effectively killed two stellar introductions in one fell swoop. First there was this new Jabba, who had shrunk several feet and looked like something Spongebob Squarepants would own as a pet. The scene reduced a larger than life character into a punch line, especially in those douche-chilling moments when Han “stepped” on Jabba’s tail. The second thing ruined was Boba Fett. Remember how badass he seemed in Empire Strikes Back standing against the rest of the bounty hunters? His brief appearance in the new Jabba scene made him seem like a hired thug. It was actually more disheartening than Boba’s debut in the Star Wars Holiday Special.
The Special Editions continued to irk me. Why the big ring of fire when the Death Star blew up? I really saw no point in reminding me of a Johnny Cash song at the height of Rebel victory. My main confusion was Mos Eisley spaceport and why it had to become a giant city. Didn’t that defeat the purpose of an unknown haven where a “wretched hive of scum and villainy” could hide out? Nothing was adding up. The changes were making no sense.
In Empire Strikes Back I didn’t need the extended Wampa footage. What made the creature work in the original films was not seeing it, just a terrifying blur that Luke Skywalker barely escapes from. In the new scenes he’s chewing, growling and looking more like a man in a suit. It would be the same as if Steven Spielberg went back and digitally added the shark in Jaws.
Then there was the sudden growth of Bespin, Lando’s city in the clouds. Lando claims that the operation is small enough to avoid garnering any attention from the Empire, which worked in the original films when Bespin was tiny. Listening to Lando shill that idea with the Special Edition mammoth Bespin made the only black man in the Star Wars Universe seem like a nut job.
The final blow came with Return Of The Jedi and the giant musical number in Jabba’s palace. Part of what makes the entire saga work is that this is a Galaxy far, far away, which means not close, which means they wouldn’t understand the idea of backup singers or a horn section. I watched that part in stunned silence, trying to figure out how any of this helped the story along. Still, I kept a giant thermos of the Kool Aid at my side and whenever reality threatened my Star Wars illusions I would take a deep and refreshing drink.
