Sneakers (New Balance)
Photo: via adweek.com
We're convinced the shoes are too comfy, and if we're going to make it through these next four years, we must do away with our comfort zones and burn our New Balance. Also, New Balance may have openly supported the Trump campaign.
Pizza (Papa Johns)
Photo: via donaldtrumppotus45.com
Pizza, in general, should be banned. It's a source of happiness we rely too much upon. Without pizza, we'll be more focused, especially without all those carbs and diary. Also, The pizza CEO donated an extremely large amount to the Republican campaign.
Photo: via Vice
It's just another form of pointless American violence. How dare they make money off bludgeoning one another! Also, here's Donald Trump with Fedor Emelianenko.
Car Repair (Pep Boys)
Photo: via Fortune
We're tired of our cars have problems. It's probably this man's plan to make money off our bad day. How dare he take advantage of the annual depreciation of individual automobiles. Also, the man who just bought Pep Boys has been appointed to the Trump counsel.
Hobbies (Hobby Lobby)
Photo: via IJR.com
Nice try distracting us with hobbies and lobbies to keep us from fixing what's wrong with our country! Also, the Hobby Lobby founder switched over to Trump because he feared Hillary in the White House. What a sexist animal!
Photo: via politicalinsider.com
If your plan is to inebriate us from seeing the truth with your watered-down beer, you're going to have to put more booze in the beer or more beers in each case. To make America great again, we have to ban all fun activities, and we know nothing is fun without beer, even if it is in fancy mountain-cold cans.
Photo: via Amazon
They sell wristwatch bands in colors that are not feminist enough, so if the future is female, we simply cannot support Amazon and its convenience. Also, they sell Trump's books.
Movies ("Blade Runner 2049")
Photo: via Screenrant
Anything with Harrison Ford is off the watchlist. This is especially hard because Ryan Gosling is involved, but it's a lot easier than Indiana Jones 5, which we weren't going to see anyway.
Yoga (Yoga Pants)
Photo: via Daily Mail
We're tired of being distracted by perfect yoga buns in this cold weather. It's degrading to women and urges men's testosterone levels to rise. Also we saw Ivanka Trump do yoga in a picture once.
The Super Bowl
Photo: via The New York Times
If both teams aren't completely decked out in breast cancer awareness colors and stitched with "the future is feminism" embroidery, we're going to turn off our TVs and eat some bad food. You call yourself Patriots! Also, the Patriots are a Trump team and here's Donald touching Tom in 2004. Just grab him, Don!