E For All Day 2

Today was the second day at the E For All exhibition, where we were on the scene to play test some of the hottest new games of the season and insult a few of our fellow gamers. Following is a play-by-play of the day’s events…


Some geek's masters thesis for their TV art college.

11:00 – I arrive early today in order to avoid the lines for some of the more high profile games. I expect that there will be hardly anyone here because the press is allowed in an hour before the public. Apparently everyone here is press because the place is already packed.

The first game I hit up is Smash Bros. Brawl. Playing as Pit from Kid Icarus and Sonic the Hedgehog was a fanboy's wet dream.The game itself is fun but not much different than the last one. Hopefully Nintendo has fleshed out the adventure mode a little more to add some incentive to keep players interest.


It truly does look like this, for the 1/2 second that the camera's ever zoomed in this close.

I am about to take some pictures  when some Nintendo chick stops me and tells me that I need a photo pass. I inform her that I am a member of the press, but she insists. So I ask someone literally five feet away from me for a pass and they hand me one. I go about my business, wondering if that was some kind of practical joke or something, but the punch line is not forthcoming.

Next I play test “The Simpsons Game”, which is amazing. The animation, the voice acting, the situations that occur, the gameplay, all of it is top-notch quality. The anime level in particular, with Millhouse as the Katamari King is one of the most imaginative levels I have ever seen outside of a Tim Schafer game. And the tutorial level takes place in “The Land of Chocolate”, which pretty much makes it the best tutorial level ever.


The Simpsons, Japanimation style.

On the way to Konami’s booth to check out Metal Gear Solid 4, I notice that there is a DS version of Mario Party, the least fun game to play alone ever made. I wonder to myself how it can be that there are approximately 10 Mario Party games, yet there hasn’t been a sequel to “Punch Out” in like 15 years.

12:00 - OMFG the line for Metal Gear is already super long. The game itself is surrounded with security and barbed wire fences. There is no photography or filming allowed. I wait for like 20 minutes without moving before a nerd informs me that the wait is over 2 hours long. I wouldn’t wait that long for a hand job from a booth babe, so I decide to come back to it if time allows.


No, these nerds are not waiting in line for a chance to lose their virginity. Although maybe they ought to be.

Someone from a booth hawking something called the “3rd Space FPS Vest” aggressively corrals me, perhaps mistaking me for someone else for the first of many times today. Someone that looks similar to me must have made quite the impression the day before because I am quite certain I have never met any of these people before.

The vest looks like a military grade bulletproof vest, and it delivers a shock or something to you whenever a bullet impacts you. The weird thing is, the vest knows if your virtual character has been hit from the front or behind, and even what side it was on. It’s a very niche product, but I could see really hardcore FPS fans getting a huge kick out of it.


Some dork enjoying the sensation of being shot repeatedly.

I run into Dante finally, who is pissed because his interview appointments keep getting mixed up. I believe someone told him that Koji Igarashi, famous for his work with the “Castlevania” series, would not be in attendance and therefore would not be available to interview. It does not escape either of our notice that there are giant signs on the Konami booth dealing the exact times of this very same person’s personal appearances throughout the day.

1:00 – Dante and I pay $14 dollars each for a day old muffin and a small cup of burnt coffee before splitting up again. I marvel at an enormous chalk mural that a lady is making in the middle of the lobby. I realize that I am a huge nerd when I consider informing the artist that a Playstation 1 controller is a poor choice for her heroine to be holding in her hand. Thankfully, I keep this information to myself and narrowly avoid embarrassing myself.


I'm telling you, the PS1 controller just throws me right off.

I go back to Konami and play all the bitchen’ handheld games they have coming out: Silent Hill, Castlevania, Metal Gear Portable Ops and Contra 4. I am particularly impressed by Silent Hill, which looks like a new PS2 game. The Contra game is a little disappointing, though. It plays just like old school Contra, with one hit kills and all. Having become used to the easier difficulty of modern action games, I tire easily of getting my ass blown off by microscopic bullets.


Konami had more franchises on location than Pinkberry has in Koreatown.

Next I watch some dudes competing in a Guitar Hero championship and I wonder why the hell these guys are wasting their time with a game when they could be shredding in a real band with those kinds of skills. I love playing Guitar Hero with friends while drinking a few beers and everything, but these guys look like they practice 10 hours a day or something. It’s obscene. I run into Igarashi, whom Dante was told would not be in attendance, wearing a cowboy hat and sporting a whip. I greet him and snap a couple of photos which he poses quite enthusiastically for.


Even the developers themselves are cosplay dorks, apparently.

The Namco booth looks really cool from the outside, but once you enter, all they have going on is cell phone games. But they do have a bunch of freaks wearing Pac-Man costumes so at least they’ve got that going for them.


Pac-Man: "Bitch, go out and get me my money!" Pac-Bitch: "You know it, baby!"

2:00 – While waiting in line to play Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles, I have an awkward conversation with the guy I’m to be playing with, which goes something like this:

Me: “So, does that nerd parade happen every day? Or was it just a one time thing?”
Guy: “Nerd parade?”
Me: “Yeah, the one with all those cosplay freaks, dressed like Final Fantasy characters and shit.”
Guy: “I was Vincent Valentine.” (A character from Final Fantasy VII)
Me: (Stifles laugh, sticks foot firmly in mouth) “Wow. Cool costume.”


This is the nerd that I accidentally insulted today. Behind him is one that I insulted on purpose.

The game itself was pretty fun, but entirely lacks the satisfying blood-splosions that normally result from headshots in RE games. I feel like I’m throwing pebbles at their noggin even though I’m shooting zombies point blank in the face with a shotgun. I clear the whole second half of the level by swinging the knife wildly, making crazy noises and laughing like a maniac.


On the front lines at the Nintendo firing range.

I finally get to play Rock Band, which is basically like Guitar Hero and Singstar combined. I can’t imagine ever going to the trouble to assemble an entire band to actually play this, but it would be fun if you did. The drums, especially, are really fun to play. But at the end of the day, it’s just too much shit to have to lug around and deal with. Seriously people, take that $200 you would spend on Rock Band, buy a used guitar or PA and start a real life band instead.


World's nerdiest rock band. They're like the Nickelback of fictional bands.

Read about day 1 at the E For All exhibition here:
http://www.craveonline.com/gaming/articles/04648909/e_for_all_day_1.html