Ridley/Kraid (Metroid)


In the future, pirates have eschewed eye patches, peg legs, and opposable thumbs.

I don’t know how an inside-out turkey vulture ever came to be the lieutenant in command of an army of space pirates, our how a fat ass dino-boy with a rockin’ green mullet and a spiky belly came to be second in command, but that’s where things stand in the Metroid universe, apparently. Oh well, Metroid was never known for it’s overwhelming sense of realism. Case in point: This is a game that features a female bounty hunter that doesn’t look like this:


A far cry from Samus Aran, to be sure.

Abobo (Double Dragon)


Abobo: head like a meatball, heart like... another meatball?

Abobo may just be the most unfortunate looking thug to ever appear in a fighting game to this day. With a head like a giant meatball, accented by a truly bitchen handlebar mustache, Abobo looks like a grotesquely muscled leather daddy in purple capris. His comical appearance won’t stop him from kicking the shit out of Billy and Jimmy Lee, so be sure to attack first and laugh later when confronted by Abobo.