Vampire Bat (Castlevania)


The bat, notable for it's overwhelming crappiness.

What a stupid ass enemy the Vampire Bat is. Basically this is a larger version of the suckiest enemy in Catlevania, the bat. Sometimes physically comprised of several of the aforementioned bats, this flying turd shows up to waste your time in every goddamn Catlevania game, which is funny because most of the other enemies are variations of Universal Monsters. We’ve got Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, the Werewolf… why no Creature From the Black Lagoon, Mole Man or Mr. Hyde? Even the Hunchback of Notre Dame or the goddamn Phantom of the Opera would have been better. Nope, instead we get a big ass piece of shit bat to whip into oblivion probably just because it was easier to draw.

King Hippo (Punch Out)


A fine art portrait of the glorious King Hippo.

King Hippo is the raddest miniboss ever. How cool is it to discover that this seemingly invincible fighter can be defeated by pantsing him and then wailing on him while he tries to pull his drawers back up? Protip: This works pretty well in real life too. Seriously, King Hippo was so memorable that he went on to appear in the popular Nintendo cartoon show/commercial “Captain N: The Game Master” as one of the chief idiot bad guys. On top of all this, the guy is a real good-time Charlie about the whole “getting his ass whipped by a cracker-ass midget” thing. I think it’s about time King Hippo’s corpulent yellow flesh and maniac laughter (classic quote: "Ha Ha Ha! I'm the king! Ha Ha Ha!") was updated for a modern era. I refuse to play another Smash Bros. game until he becomes a playable character.

Got any old school gaming stories to share? Feel free to add them here! Butthurt that there's no Sega Master System games included? Too bad, I never owned a Sega!