If Max Payne is known for anything, it’s his extremely long-winded metaphors and similes. They define the character almost as much, if not more than his family being brutally murdered, sending him on his vigilante crusade to begin with.
In celebration of Max Payne 3 hitting shelves today, we thought it would be fun to highlight 15 of the best Max Payne quotables; the ones that make you sit back and say, “Hot damn, Max, you are one depressing son of a bitch.”
As an added note: unfortunately, we weren’t able to find YouTube videos for each of these, so you going to have to apply your reading skills. But to make the experience a more enjoyable one, just read the below quotes in a gravely voice with some somber jazz playing in the background for ambience. It’s the Max Payne way.
Sure, whatever you say, Max.
“You piece together a jigsaw and the final picture is you finishing that same puzzle, a mad green-eyed killer standing behind you. An urban legend come true.” – Max Payne
The flames grow higher.
“The explosion in my apartment had started a fire. The flames couldn't burn away my past. They only made the shadows behind me leap higher.” – Max Payne 2
That doesn't sound like home at all…
“Home, sweet home. Something in the night felt like a door had been opened, an echo of the past, an old monster snapping its eyes open in the depths of my brain. Closing your eyes forces you to look at the darkness inside.” – Max Payne 2
Not Red Bull.
“I don't know about angels, but it's fear that gives men wings.” – Max Payne
That’s pretty cold…
“It was colder than the devil's heart, raining ice pitchforks as if the heavens were ready to fall.” – Max Payne
It's a regular ol' Greek tragedy.
“The Brooklyn riverfront was a maze of rusty containers, sharp-boned cranes looking up from the snowstorm. On a night like this you couldn't help but think of the dark army of dead men, sleeping with the fishes, cement shoes in line. No Minotaur lurked in this labyrinth, but somewhere out there, on the clanking deck of his cargo freighter, the skipper of the Charon was waiting, like the ferryman of the river Styx.” – Max Payne
Dude, that’s dark.
“There was a blind spot in my head, a bullet-shaped hole where the answers should be. Call it denial. I wanted to dig inside my skull and scrape out the pain.” – Max Payne 2
Max gets poetic.
“’The things that I want’, by Max Payne. A smoke. A whiskey. For the sun to shine. I want to sleep to forget. To change the past. My wife and baby girl back. Unlimited ammo and a license to kill. Right then, more than anything, I wanted her.” – Max Payne 2
Max even manages to make cartoons depressing.
“Fraternizing with the enemy. I had stepped over the edge. The cartoon moment when the gravity waits for the coyote to realize his mistake before the plunge.” – Max Payne 2
Lady Luck ain’t cheap.
“You'd find that Lady Luck was really a hooker, and you were fresh out of cash.” – Max Payne
Your gaping hole is terrifying, Max.
“The past is a gaping hole. You try to run from it, but the more you run, the deeper, more terrible it grows behind you, its edges yawning at your heels. Your only chance is to turn around and face it. But it's like looking down into the grave of your love, or kissing the mouth of a gun, a bullet trembling in its dark nest, ready to blow your head off.” – Max Payne 2
When the pain started…
“They were all dead. The final gunshot was an exclamation mark to everything that had led to this point. I released my finger from the trigger. And then it was over. To make any kind of sense of it, I need to go back three years. Back to the night the pain started.” – Max Payne
Should probably hit up a beach…
“He was trying to buy more sand for his hourglass. I wasn't selling any.” – Max Payne
Hide all the sharp things!
“Your past is like pieces of a broken mirror. You try to pick them up, but you only end up cutting yourself.” – Max Payne 2
Life of the party right here…
“I might have laughed, if I had remembered how.” – Max Payne