Sports. Video games. Video games. Sports.
Both competitive, both physically taxing, one moreso on your thumbs.
Over the years we've seen real life sports recreated in video game format, from football, to basketball, to Shaq Fu, but we've yet to see a video game recreated by sports. I personally think this is unfair, so I've created a list of five sports from video games that I think should be made into real sports based upon video games.
The list is not as confusing as this opening paragraph.
Now I'm a casual fan of horse racing, but the one problem I've always had with it has been the horses themselves. Have you ever met a horse? Despite being depicted as majestic, elegant creatures in films and the like, in actuality they're idiots who require special headgear in order to prevent themselves from being distracted whilst running. If you replaced the horses with Final Fantasy's Chocobos, however, you'd be on to a winner. The Chocobo racing minigame featured in various installments of the Final Fantasy series was so popular that it even spawned a spin-off karting game, the sensibly titled Chocobo Racing. But we don't like our Chocobos racing in karts, no sir, we prefer to see them racing using their own two feet like strong, independent ostrich/chicken hybrids.
Unless you're Amish, chances are that every day you see hundreds if not thousands of cars with four wheels scooching along roads, transporting their owners from one destination to the next. Considering this overabundance of cars it's somewhat surprising, then, that people will happily watch them scooch along roads on their TVs, too.
Granted, cars on TV are a lot more "exciting" than cars in real life. They make louder noises, they're closer to the ground and, in some cases, they're even orange. But we must all be getting a bit bored of cars now, right? Even that bloke on your Facebook friends list who has a photo of his Ford Fiesta as his profile picture must occasionally get sick of looking at wheels all day. This is where F-Zero comes in.
"If you're bored with watching cars with four wheels race each other on your television, then why not watch F-Zero, where the cars have no wheels at all?" – An F-Zero Marketing Person.
No one would ever get bored of watching F-Zero because the vehicles would be so expensive to produce that you'd never see your neighbour hopping in one to do his weekly shopping. The rarity of the vehicles would make it similar to Formula One, except there would be an increased chance of death, a better soundtrack and aliens.
When Pokémon first took a hold of earth's children, the media informed parents that it would encourage children to train their animals how to fight. This didn't happen, of course, largely because watching a Labrador being mauled by a Bull Terrier isn't as cute as watching Pikachu's cheeks light up with electricity. We'd like to say that if Pokémon were real we wouldn't train them to fight each other for sport, but when you have a creature such as the one pictured above that literally has BLADES for ARMS, we're not sure if there's any other use for them aside from opening the occasional tin.
Now I'm a rational man, but even I would hesitate at protesting against a real-life Twisted Metal tournament. Yes, it would be inhumane and would essentially send us back into an era of blood sport, but I'm already a supporter of gay marriage, so if there's a Hell, I'm apparently going there anyway. I might as well see some clowns fire some homing missiles out of their ice cream trucks before Satan starts prodding me with his pitchfork.
Go Karting is boring because there are too many helmets and not enough blue shells, but Karting of the Mario variety rights those wrongs.
In truth, it would be difficult to recreate the madcap hijinks of Mario Kart in reality because most of the weaponry the series is famous for is unfortunately fictional. Even the banana peels have smiley faces on them, and everybody knows that in real life bananas are miserable.
So in real life Mario Kart, the shells, bob-ombs, etcetera would be replaced for everyday objects. For instance, rather than slowing down one of your rivals with a strategically placed oil slick, you'd instead turn around and throw a brick at their head. Likewise, if you found yourself being overtaken just before you reached the finish line, you'd get as close to his bumper as possible, then throw a brick at his head. Admittedly, bricks don't have the same charm as happy bananas, but they do have sharp corners that could cause significant brain damage and they're also easier to acquire. I'm being fiscally responsible, here.
Paul Tamburro is the UK Editor of CraveOnline. Follow his brain on Twitter @PaulTamburro.