Disclaimer: In this review there will be no images shown from the actual game as I am trying to protect your eyes. You’re welcome.
I got thirty minutes into Clash of the Titans and my body shut down, sending me into a catatonic state that most professionals would label a “light coma,” also commonly referred to as a nap. After waking up an hour later I stepped away from Clash of the Titans: The Video Game. I waited a solid day and tried again. Same thing happened. See, my body had two options presented to it: either slog through the game and bang thy senses to bits with sub-par crap sensory overload or recharge the batteries. The latter was obviously the more enticing of the two options.
Welcome to Clash of the Titans: The Video Game. So good it will put you to sleep. Exactly what I want from an action game.
There is no way around it, Clash of the Titans: The Video Game has cash-in movie tie-in written all over it (yet it didn’t even release till the film hit disc). The graphics are serviceable at best, the voice-acting is atrocious, and the gameplay, oh god, feels clumsy and laughable, as if it were the Star Wars kid of the God of War third-person action-adventure genre. There is just nothing Clash of the Titans offers that makes it a game worth checking out. I would rather clean shit out of my cat’s sweet Jabba the Hutt palace-looking poop pod than play more of the game. Dramatic, yes. But truthful.
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Essentially, you can find these gameplay mechanics with a similar story done infinitely better in any of the God of War titles. And if you don’t own a PS3, pick up Dante’s Inferno and watch the film version of Clash of the Titans--original or remake--it matters not. The only thing Clash of the Titans: The Video Game had going for it was the involvement of Sam Worthington. Oh wait, he doesn’t even provide his voice for the game, it’s some other nameless guy with the virtual likeness of Worthington. Well shit, what does Clash have?
I rarely complain about being a video game reviewer. Hell, it’s a sick gig. Even when I play the worst of what’s available I can usually find some golden nugget buried deep enough to make the game enjoyable for myself. Not with Clash of the Titans. This was just a “I want to rip my eyes out of their sockets” type of experience.
To put it into perspective, I’ve played some poor video games in my day, but Clash of the Titans might be one of the worst. That’s not hyperbole. The reason I say that is because Clash of the Titans: The Video Game is an insult to gamers who have watched their favorite medium mature and become, for the most part, a respected form of entertainment. This game tries its best to say video games are still the bottom-feeders of the entertainment industry, concerned only with sucking on the teat of whatever is popular at the time and milking money from its audience. By now publishers should know better than to push this kind of crap on us.
There is just no excuse to buy this game. Period. Especially when considering its $60 price tag (seriously...). Just fyi, I have yet to finish the game at the time of writing this review. But I’m going to try. Not for the game’s publisher and developer--though it seems obvious that they were roped into making this game against their will--but for the nice PR people at Namco Bandai who sent a copy over to us. But if you don’t hear from me over the next few days, anticipate the worst. I might not survive this.
