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Microsoft delivers the greatest creation to ever befall man… The Halo 3 Zune

On September 25^th (don’t worry, Bill Gates will call and remind you) Microsoft will make entertainment history with its release of Halo 3. The religious right is up in arms apparently due to the impending loss of patronage since it’s completely obvious that most of America’s populace will skip Church just to play this FPS. But that’s not what’s most important, not at all, what is important however is that Microsoft (soon to be your merciless overlords) will manage pushing their new ‘Halo 3’ themed Zune MP3 player on the newly bewildered (dare I say staggered) populace like a bunch of cheap street pushers. Don’t believe me? Well this is what Peter Moore had to say on the subject, “Halo 3 is much more than a video game release; it’s the biggest entertainment event of the year”!!!! That’s right kids, F**k the Super Bowl! This is the year of Halo 3 (and the Zune to a lesser but no less important extent)!

Determined to destroy us all with unbelievable graphics and tight gameplay, Microsoft has already begun to enlist minions (see Microsoft shock troops) into their clutches by launching the multiplayer beta test via X-Box Live. How does this tie in with the Zune? I’m not quite sure, but you can bet it will be sinister. The Zune will feature pre-loaded artwork, trailers and music from all three ‘Halo’ games (If you play this music backwards you not only get complete instructions on how to kidnap your parents and commandeer the car, but also the perfect recipe for snicker doodles… diabolical!), and an exclusive episode of ‘Red vs. Blue’ (another sign of Microsoft’s growing involvement with the LA gang scene… shameful). For just $249 you can get yours at GameStop, and from that moment on they will know where to find you.

Beware; on September 25^th make sure to stay inside where it’s safe. Because the streets will be filled with crazed gamers tearing each other apart just to get their hands on pre-ordered copies of Halo 3 so they can sell them for three times the price on eBay. All this will take place while Bill Gates sits in his leather easy chair petting his mutant cat/dog laughing maniacally while his first officer Vince McMahon stands at attention. Don’t be fooled, he has the power, we all saw the Simpsons.

Dante has nightmares of having his pockets picked by a bunch of Jackals