The Art of Sexting

Read this before you sext.

scott-killingerby scott-killinger

One bad sext can ruin everything (check out some of our sexting examples for a little help in that area). As we’ve seen with some not-so-tactful celebrities, athletes and politicians, sexting can be rife with pitfalls and quickly sabotage any chance of reaching the promise land. Make no mistake: Sexting is an art form that requires a keen sense of timing and skill. We thought we’d share some important dos and don’ts to put you on the right track.

Sexting Isn’t An Ice Breaker
Some girl giving you her number at the gym last week isn’t necessarily an invitation to vividly describe your cheerleader fantasy to her. Sure, the “let’s roll the dice and see what happens” approach may work once in a while, but odds are you’re going to be visiting the old standbys on Youporn. Start with some normal pleasantries, maybe even a date or two then when the time is right introduce her to your awesome sexting skills.

Check the mood
Just because you’ve had a few drinks and are feeling a little randy doesn’t mean she is. You need to test the waters before diving in. If you don’t, you may run into something similar to this exchange:
Him: Trying to guess your favorite position…
Her: My dad had a stroke.
Enough said.

Let her send the pictures
If you did a bar graph of the failure rate versus the success rates of guys who texted pictures of their junk to a female acquaintance, the failure rate bar would be the height of the Sears Tower (or whatever it’s called now) and the success rate bar would be the height of a dime. Most would agree that the female form is inherently more photogenic than its male counterpart. However, if she asks you to send a photo, you don’t want to be a prude. Just make sure to show yourself in a flattering light. Crocs or tighty-whities aren’t recommended. Neither is swimming in cold water.

If you’re too drunk to talk, you’re too drunk to sext
This is when mistakes happen. We’ve all accidentally selected the wrong name in our phone and sent a text to the wrong person. Obviously, the stakes are higher here. If your Uncle Ernie accidentally receives a text intended for the object of your affection, things could be very awkward at your next family gathering. Recognize your current state and live to fight another day.

Avoid the voicemail vortex
“Hey, it’s Tiger, I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. All right, bye.”

The world’s greatest golfer (at one time) – a man worth hundreds of millions of dollars – found himself begging one of his hook-ups to change her voicemail message. Just remember, even if everything is hunky dory with your special lady friend, things can go south quickly and that voicemail of you doing your dirtiest Barry White imitation could be featured in her next blog post.

Let her lead
This one’s pretty obvious but that doesn’t stop some guys from going all caveman. Remember this is a dance, not a drunken wrestling match with one of your buddies. Reciprocating only after your sexty lady has started sending you the filthy things you were thinking first is the way to go. If you take your cues from her and follow her lead, good things are bound to happen. If, instead, you decide to tell her every dirty thought that entered your head the moment you saw her, you could be sitting in bed alone wondering if your message about putting her in a choke hold was too much.

It’s not a group project
Passing your phone to your buddy to let him type in a few lines is not only disrespectful it’s just plain stupid. As the old saying goes, it’s always easier to spend someone else’s money. The same holds true for sexting. With nothing to lose, your buddy might get reckless and start using phrases like” group grope” or “me sandwich.” Be your own man and always maintain full control of the helm.

Spelling counts
Yes, a little text shorthand here and there is acceptable but use it too much and she may think she’s texting with her teenage niece. Also, improvising your own text shorthand is not advised. This is about keeping her in the moment. If she has to stop and decipher your shorthand you will bring things to a grinding halt. Show her that you care by making your messages intelligible – even when you’re talking about doing things to her that you don’t even know how to spell.

Hit the film room
Where will you find Tom Brady or Aaron Rogers the Monday after a game? Win or lose, they’re breaking down game film seeing what they did well and what they did poorly. You should take a similar approach to your sexting. Reflecting back on some of your old exchanges – both good and bad – will not only help you avoid repeating the same mistakes, it will allow you to remember that random stroke of genius you may have forgotten.

Remember the big picture
Finally, remember sexting is a means to an end. No guy thinks it will ever happen to him, but getting caught in a sexting-only relationship is not uncommon. If things don’t go beyond sexting after a few exchanges, move on. You’re not looking for a pen pal.

Good luck and happy sexting!