How a Single Guy Has a One-Night Stand

The dos and don'ts of the ultimate casual encounter.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham

Dreams really do come true, but so do nightmares, and if you aren’t properly prepared for a one-night stand, it can leave you in some rather undesirable situations the following day. Like a good boxer, a single guy has to learn to duck and weave through the booby traps of a one-night stand, so as not to be burned, bloody or become a boyfriend by the end of it.

Should you find yourself enjoying the evening and meeting new, interesting and hopefully delectable ladies, the night may snowball with one of them into what is commonly referred to as a casual encounter, or “one-night stand” – the age-old practice of entering into a strange woman’s most holy of areas and making yourself at home, like Neil effing Armstrong landing on the moon. Who could blame you? It’s an exciting event when a woman gives you such a lovely gift. But before we begin, we should make it clear that the ol’ one-night hookup isn’t a recommended play, as it can lead to the likes of remorse, cold sores or brunch with her family. And as a big side note, this isn’t for committed men, as we cannot endorse an evening of cheating on a woman who, if you’re reading this, probably met you in a similar manner and was crazy enough to commit herself to such a devil. Here are your instructions for a successful one-night stand.

Don’t Go Looking for It

First of all, if you’re foolish enough to enter the night expecting a one-night stand, chances are it will never find you – no matter how loudly you talk about your car, which frat you were in or how much money you make. One-night stands are elusive creatures of the night, like Bigfoot. It’s a hairy situation, too, and the people who usually stumble upon it are the ones not taking it seriously. If you go looking for Bigfoot, UFOs and the Loch Ness monster, you’re never going to find them, and such is the case with one-night stands. They come naturally as you find a mutual interest with someone and so on, until you’re both naked, staring awkwardly at each other and you’re wondering if her name is Chelsea or Kelsey.

Clean Up Before Going Out, Just in Case

As a guy, it doesn’t take too much to make yourself look semi-presentable. Before heading out, give the toilet seat a once-over with a tissue to remove your unsightly crotch hairs so she can feel safe using your facilities. Then do a once-over with a flushable wipe. Stash your porn and drug paraphernalia so you don’t look like a junkie jonesing for his next sex victim. And then, out the door you go, with matching shoes.

If a girl is just as okay with a one-night stand as you are, there’s a good chance she’s also okay with a little uncleanliness and typical dishes in a man’s sink. Just make sure you and your place look respectable for a short bit, because by morning it won’t matter and you can roll around like the pig you are in your own personal sty. The trick is getting that far.

Be Cool and Be Yourself

Most women can smell bullshit a mile away. To be quick and blunt, don’t compulsively lie about what you do or where you’re from. She doesn’t care if you’re a writer for a big men’s site who enjoys watching the paint dry on his latest art piece. Just tell her you like her shoes or her hair, if you like her shoes or her hair, and quit trying to impress somebody you don’t know or care about. Down-to-earth people are high in demand for one-night stands, as cities are full of posers, losers and worthless liars who will say anything to have people, especially girls, like them. Don’t be one of those people. Be yourself, whoever that is.

Also, Protect Yourself

No, we aren’t talking about condoms (whatever those are), but you should probably use those, too, especially in such a short-term forum. More importantly, it’s good to make sure she doesn’t have a boyfriend, husband or both. If you do the dance with a committed woman, you might as well start robbing banks and selling drugs to kids, because you’re just as in the wrong as she is, only you’re the first candidate for a well-deserved ass-kicking in her guy’s book.

Kids are optional deal breakers. It depends on how much you like children, and how much you want them calling you Dad after just meeting. If they’re teenagers, it’s probably okay, since you can talk about your firsts in life with them, as they’re probably experimenting now while their mother is out rubbing up on strangers like yourself. Speaking of teenagers, make sure she isn’t one. And if she’s both a teenager and a mother, bail immediately. Don’t even say goodbye; just run, man! RUN!

Have Fun With It

Yeah, chances are you’ll never “bump” into each other again, so get weird with it, try some new moves out that you’ve seen on TV or the Internet. Just don’t get so weird with it that she ends up having a hard time breathing or forgets the safe word. Sex is a magical celebration and should be enjoyed. Staring silently at a stranger in missionary position isn’t going to be anything to write a book about, but if you get her going like a bull after a rodeo clown, you might just find yourself smiling and having a good time. Same goes for her. It’s like a limited-time deal at the toy store; just have fun squeezing things you don’t own and walk away happy you stopped in.

Never Express Gratitude

Do you want to make a nice girl, who wants to get off just as much as you, suddenly feel like a whore? Say “thank you” after she goes down on you and see if she doesn’t come up with a face full of tears. All that’s missing is you slapping a crisp twenty on the nightstand before leaving. Although good manners and chivalry go a long ways with ladies, as they should, there is no need to say “thank you.” Instead, simply return the favor. Although, if you know this is never going to happen again, don’t be afraid to make subtle, polite requests. For instance, you could say, “Would you please tickle my testes, miss?” That’s all good.

Offer Coffee and (Another) Ride in the Morning

As a gentleman, it’s the only right thing to do. Just pray she thinks you’re offering out of the goodness of your heart but still declines. Otherwise, your nice guy act will have you at her doorstep before lunch, meeting her friends and eventually back at karaoke night where you’ll inevitably make the same mistake all over again. If you’re going to be a dick about it and not even walk her to her car, just pretend you’re a heavy sleeper. However, it never hurts to beat her to the alarm clock, brew up a fresh pot and say cheers to a new day. This may even result in going at it once more before enough’s enough and it’s time to get her ass out the door.

Don’t Facebook

If this is truly a one-time thing with no mutual desire for repeat business, then trust us that you don’t need to follow her traffic reports and cat photos afterwards. Nor Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram – none of it. A one-night stand implies one encounter. Whether that one encounter yielded three to five rounds is up to you, but don’t expect her to not change her relationship status when you like and comment on her every trip to the yoga studio. Have some respect for the casual nature of the relationship you have with this person, exert a little maturity and some distance, then slowly fade into the night like a masked superhero.

Seriously, you have enough Facebook friends that you don’t need to see each other’s personal lives, which more than likely will make you regret having done the deed or make you jealous when you see this girl you don’t know with guys you’ll never meet.

To conclude this lecture, if you want more after a one-night stand, you obviously want either a girlfriend, in which case you should dodge most of this advice, or you want a consistent booty call, which is a whole other story. One-night stands can transform into booty calls, but there may need to be some sort of set agreement with signatures and rules before making it happen, because chances are she’ll see it as something more. Just remember your actions here are more heavily analyzed than any other human interaction, so think before you act and watch what you say. Oh, and make sure she can actually be considered a stranger, and not your best friend’s sister, before taking her home. Happy hunting, you dirty scoundrel.