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How was your appearance on Stern’s show Monday?  He’s definitely a big fan of yours..

Isn’t it wild? I mean, for your hero to be a fan… it’s so bizarre. It was so much fun. And I’ve been on a lot before, but he’s such a gentleman, he always treats me so good and I’m so thankful, man. That cunt Sandra Bernhard, she went on, and she was dissing me and he stood up for me. I was like, oh my God, that’s such a cool thing.

I heard Sandra can’t take a joke.

That’s interesting that you know that…how did you know that?

Got my sources.

Yeah, well, you’re right. Fuck her.

How do you handle the nastier jokes about you?

If you’re going to dish it out, you have to be able to take it. And it sounds so simple, but look, if I wanna go up and say ‘Artie Lange, you’re fat and smell and Greg Giraldo you’re a spick’ and this and that, you can’t go,’oh my God, they really hurt my feelings.‘

Get enough therapy that you can figure out how to be a team player. On Stern, Artie Lange said that I’m the Michael Jordan of roasts cause I can take a joke plus give ’em just as good. I also have a lot of things about myself that you can make fun of, with the blacks and the weight and whatever, and the only thing you can’t say about me is that I’m not funny, cause nobody’s gonna say I’m not funny. It’s like my only strength.

You’ve got a whole new look now though… so the weight thing isn’t an issue.

Well I got the look but they’ll still find something, believe me… but it’s cool because you can have enough therapy to go well, I’m fine, of course I can take a joke. What they’re saying is in fun. There’s no real hate behind those roasts. That’s why you always have to roast people you like so that the hate doesn’t come out.

Even with someone like (pedophilic makeup-wearing Stern staffer) Sal?

Yeah, to be honest I don’t even mind him. I mean, he says some really hardcore shit to those guys..

But he’s such a complete asshole…

(laughs) Oh my god, I mean CREEPY…

How did the new look come about?

About a year ago I decided I wanted to lose some weight because I just wanted to feel better about myself on the inside and so I just did it real slow. I joke about that, I went to Jenny Craig and lost thirty five pounds in seven years. It takes fucking forever, because I don’t adhere to the diet that much. I don’t exercise. I’m not gonna be miserable, you know? I kinda watched what I ate and that’s that. Then I got this stylist cause I figured, God, I really better dress better for Jay Leno and for Howard Stern! You know, you can’t freakin look like Rosie O’Donnell unless you’re a big hairy dyke.
The reason I got hair extensions, I’ll tell you why. Fuckin makes you feel younger without plastic surgery. I will never get plastic surgery. So my feeling is, the hair, it’s painless, it’s fun, it’s a goof, and it makes you feel like you’re more fuckable, to tell you the truth. And also, the fur coat, nigger I wanted a fur coat from when I was a kid. And when I was walking around New York and I didn’t have any money. Now I’m like 'I’m getting a fuckin fur coat made, son!' So it’s just really fun to do all this. I love this stuff. I’m like a girl on the inside, whether I like to admit it or not.

That’s good to hear. You fit in so well as one of the guys.

Cool. And hey, I’ll strap it on if I have to.

So are the white boys out there gonna have a chance?

Dude that’s so funny, I said on Howard the other day how, now that I’m dating all different races cause my shrink said I should. All you want to date is somebody nice, it doesn’t matter their race or whatever, it’s just somebody who will treat you nice who doesn’t call you a cunt. That’s what I think my ad on E-Harmony should be: If you won’t call me a cunt, let’s go out.
So, since I lost some of the weight, I dated a spick for a while, I dated a fuckin jew for a while, and right now I have two dates scheduled next week with white devils. You believe it? It’s horrible how the mighty have fallen. Oh well.
So yes, all races have a shot with Lisa Lampanelli. And in advance, I will say you’re welcome.

Was the ability to take a joke like that something you had to develop? It has to be hard at first.

Oh yeah, I mean, it’s funny cause after the (William) Shatner roast I heard everyone talking, and Artie was repeating all the funny jokes they said , and Howard said “That must hurt Lisa Lampanelli.” He goes, “I don’t believe it for a minute,” and I’m like, it really didn’t, because first of all, if the joke’s funny, you’ve just gotta give props to the joke. I mean, for Artie to say “If I had a dime for every time people said ‘Aren’t you Lisa Lampanelli?’” I mean, what’s funny is funny. For the first few years, yeah, those things used to hurt. And now it’s like, okay, cool. You work on yourself enough to not take it personally. It’s a roast, there’s love behind it, whatever.

You’re often the only female comic at many of these roasts… that’s gotta feel like jumping in a shark tank.

It does help that I’m always the funniest. It definitely gets me through, going ‘oh God, you guys know you’re just nothing compared to me.’ So it’s always good  for the self-esteem too, knowing that I’m gonna kill better than anybody else.

That has to feel good.

It does feel good. It’s one thing to kill at the beginning, it’s another thing to kill at the end. It’s much harder to kill at the end, and I always do. 
And hey, hopefully my luck won’t run out but for now I’m pretty proud of myself.

Being the only woman has to have its advantages as well.

It’s easier to stand out. It’s so hard to be discovered as a white male comic. To be discovered as a funny woman is easy if you just put some work into it. Instead of just blabbering on a bunch of dumb stories as a woman, you write jokes and you do them. That’s why I think it’s easier to stand out, and it’s nice being the only chick who they go ‘Wow, she’s one of those go-to guys we can count of her to bring the room up.’ So that feels frickin awesome.

So women don’t have a harder time in comedy?

Nah, fuck that. If you’re funny, you’re totally embraced. And the problem with most is, they’re not fuckin funny! They’re just freakin awful. They’re always yappin about something and bitching about something. If a  guy wants to hear a broad complain they’ll stay home. So that’s why they like me cause I’m like a guy in the way that I talk about the same stuff a guy does. It’s not typical woman stuff. So I think that’s why I have a male fanbase because they embrace it more. Which is really cool to be a woman with a guy following, I love that.

How much trouble have you gotten into with the race issue?

I’ve had it happen where somebody will totally ignore that I just made fun of Italians, Jews, gays and Hispanics, and say I’m racist against blacks and I’m like, ‘I just did it equally to everybody.’ That’s just the most insane thing. But that’s so rare…it would never happen in recent years because everyone knows who I am, so they know what they’re going to get when they pay for tickets. When that used to happen I would always say ‘Wow, you didn’t mind the Japanese jokes, you didn’t mind the gay jokes, why are you taking issues with the black jokes?’ Because in this country everybody’s scared of the black and white tension. So it’s more edgy, but it’s like well, you know what? We can all take a joke. Nobody gets left out.


Fair enough! How did you first get into comedy?

I was just being a journalist, I was bored, I wanna try comedy but I don’t know how, waa waa and I was doing dj’ing just weddings and stuff, cause I was like I bet if I can talk on a microphone I’ll get more used to being in public and I was so scared and then I saw an ad for a comedy class, and I said let me try it.. I had to write five minutes and go up. And I went, and I called in sick to work the next day. I mean, I just knew it was gonna work. And thank God, I just knew it was meant to be.

Favorite comedians?

Rickles is the king. And um, I love Dave Attell, Jim Norton, anybody with edge. I love the edgy comics. And I really like the blue collar guys too, just cause…their work ethic is just beyond compare..like anyone who works that hard for that long, I gotta take my hat off. Same thing with Dane Cook, you know? Everybody loves to criticize Dane Cook because ohh he just jumps around, oh he’s a marketing whore.. yeah? well guess what? You wish you’d have thought of it, bitch. Then you’d be playing arenas. People hate on anyone successful. It’s like, if you stop hatin' and write some material and figure out how to conduct your business the way Dane Cook does, or Larry the Cable Guy does, maybe you wouldn’t have enough time to hate on them. The minute you’re a success people shit on em so I’m all geared up for that.

I got a kick out of the Ask Dr. Lisa feature on your site (www.insultcomic.com).

Yeah I know, I’m a genius huh?

Do people really write you with questions on relationships and sex?

Dude, they do, and I don’t know what the fuck if some of em are serious or not. I kinda get sad, cause I go oh my god is this person really gonna kill themselves? But I mean I would hope they know I’m a comic. I hope they didn’t want a serious answer or else I’m gonna be a little saddened. It is kinda fun to write that stuff. I think I’m gonna put em into a book someday. That’s what cracks me up.

Sounds like a good plan. Anybody writing a comedian looking for relationship or sex advice…

Especially me, cause I have no relationship or sex life, so, come on. Don’t ask me for that shit.

You’ve got all sorts of stuff going on this year.

Any time I try to take a week off, I can’t. I don’t know what happens, I get cockblocked by some work, but it’s always like some good work that you can’t turn down. Like, you get a movie role in a movie with Owen Wilson and you’re not gonna go 'No, I needed August off.' You know? You go 'oh my god, oh my god!' I always do that stuff because it’s so enjoyable to just play yourself, and they  always want me to be exactly how I am on the roasts and I’m like cool! Why turn that down?

Any roasts coming up?

The Friar’s do a roast every June and August I think, and my ideal would be Don Rickles. And I’ve heard little rumors of that, but who knows. I hope that happens, cause he’s just the best. And then as far as Comedy Central, they don’t pick the roastee until probably July, because a lot of people refuse because they don’t want to look stupid in public. So who knows? But whatever happens I’m on that roast.

Like Chevy Chase...

(moans) Did make a jerk out of himself the way he acted? You know, don’t do it if you’re gonna be a prick. You don’t need the hundred grand that much, do ya?

Well I don’t know, it’s Chevy Chase…

Good point, maybe he does… ohh shit..


Buy Lisa's new CD/DVD, "Dirty Girl" at  www.insultcomic.com