By Crank Driveshaft

People who say that driving is a privilege and not a right are jerks with plenty of money for lawyers. No, at this point if you ain’t drivin’, you ain’t livin’ so we need to get you a ride my friend, besides who else will pick me up from the pokie? This guide will give you a short list of the things to do, and what to expect from the bastards that sell cars. If you follow my advice, you just might get a car… oh, I mean you WILL, you will get a car.

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What not to do:

Don’t go alone:

No matter what you do, no matter how big or scary you might think you are, no man fears you more than poverty and that’s what car salesmen stare in the face every day. Plus, you’re not there to fight (yet) so they feel safe. You shouldn’t go alone because a car salesman’s job is to start talking from the moment you’re in earshot until you either leave in frustration (i.e. stop wasting his time) or buy a car (i.e. help him feed his family). If you encounter a salesman alone, his incessant babbling will begin to partially destroy your mind and weaken your resolve. At about five minutes in his words are no longer intelligible, instead all you hear is a low level buzzing that makes you think of beer, and long vacations. Before you realize it, you’re on test drive number 15 and signing your second lease of the day! Suddenly you’re out of gas in the middle of nowhere with your second car hitched to the first. Be careful with that siphoning hose jack ass, unless you’re gonna spit fire for gas money.

Don’t bring your girlfriend:

Like I said earlier, salesmen don’t care how angry you are, or how dangerous you look. In fact, any hostility you generate works to your disadvantage, and the dealer knows it. Let’s say you walk in with your girlfriend, looking all cute and stuff, and you’re accosted by a salesman immediately. There’s one problem, he’s been talking for a minute and a half and has yet to address you, or your girlfriends eyes. He’s not just bad, he’s super obvious with his ogling, and this is all done to piss you off.


My eye's are up here, and you can let  go at anytime  thanks.
 
The sad part is, its working, you are ready to explode with anger and he’s cool as a cucumber. You look around to see if there is another guy who can help, but the looks on their faces as they too stare at your woman as if it was the first one they’d ever seen let you know that you are helpless in enemy territory. Suddenly you’re agreeing to whatever he suggests as he continually flirts with your girl to here horror and your rage. You didn’t even get the car you wanted, instead of a sweet pick up, you and the lady are motoring off in a GEO, pissed. Do yourself a favor and keep reading.

What to do:

Form a Team:

Buying a car is a team effort, so organize a winning team. That team should consist of two people, a buddy, and you’re mother. The trick is to take the advantage away from the dealer and put the power back into your hands. First of all you have to walk in together but be engaged in a very serious sounding conversation. When the sales guy runs up and starts yammering, just ignore him and continue your conversation. Now he’s frustrated, it’s been a slow day and he hasn’t had a sale yet. Let him twist for a minute before phase two begins. Let your mother introduce herself and start asking questions without bothering to introduce you.


These guys don't love kids, they love twins. Mom needs back up.

This will confuse him further, because now he’s not even sure who he’s selling a car to. While he starts trying to get control over your mother, you and your buddy should just walk away and window shop. The trap is almost set, but be patient because this is only the beginning. The dealer now believes that he has an easy target in your mother, but you know better. Because she doesn’t even want a care he is powerless against her. Have ask question after pointless question. As soon as it appears he’s attempting to dump her off on someone else, she should get your attention saying, “Oh here’s my son, and he’s the one who actually wanted a car.” Now the salesman is eager to see you, or so he thinks. He’s been weakened, now for the final touch.

The one two punch:

Let your mom go grab some coffee, her work is done, it’s time for you and your buddy to get your car! Your bud came along because he knows a shit load about cars; this doesn’t have to be true, but that is what the dealer will assume. All your pal has to do is play the part of an ‘authority’. The sales guy is going to try and impress your friend with big automotive words, and other gear head lingo. The friends job is simple, be obviously unimpressed, and generally disagree with everything the dealer says. Encourage your friend to be a dick about the whole thing and to say negative things about the salesman right in front of him, “Dude, this guy is a jack ass, and I know where you can find a much better deal.” What’s the salesman gonna do, insult your friend? Not at the risk of losing his sale (he’s at week three of the pork and beans diet) and livelihood. No he has to sit back and take it, for as long as he’s dumb enough to keep talking; your friend is there to insult him. Eventually he’ll just do what any other kind of salesman does; he’ll ask you what you want.

The deal:


Don't let the flip flops fool you, he's still a douche.

The final paperwork will be a breeze; it’s just him, stuck in a room with you, your friend, and your mother. The last three and half hours of his life has been filled with the hell you unleashed, and you have made it clear that if there are any discrepancies in the paper work, you would all be back. You still can’t believe you managed a warranty that is actually good until the end of time, but hey that’s why you listen to Crank in the first place. So yeah, I should be out in like six months, who’s picking me up?