Hello men, this is muthaf***in’ Duff Chambers, and if you pay attention to what I say, then you’ll never go home alone again, hell even if you don’t feel like getting laid, with my help you’ll get a smokin’ hot chick to go home with you just to do your f**kin’ dishes. People will tell you that advice like this won’t work for everyone, well I say f**k everyone, I’m talking to you. The only people who can’t use this info are losers and maybe gay men, I just can’t call that one, but you’re not a loser are you? Well alright then, read on. First I’ll tell you where to go, then I’ll tell you what to wear. You’re gonna learn which chicks to look out for, what to say to em’, and how to seal the friggin’ deal. I’ll also make sure that you have all the proper essentials for your night of white hot sex (or Asian hot sex, black hot sex etc.)

Where to go

Girls aren't this nasty at the library. Only in a bar can you meet girls like this.

There’s plenty of crap out on the internet about where you should go to meet women, that’s all bull. Online dating services are for assholes who aren’t afraid to bed a woman bigger than their fridge, don’t be that guy! Woman with any kind of sense wouldn’t risk meeting a guy online, because the entire night she would wonder, “What the hell is wrong with him. How come he had to use the internet, I’m definitely not going down on this guy!” and your screwed in completely the wrong way. Long story short, there’s really only one place to meet women, the bar.

What to wear

Four assh*les who paid four hundred dollars each to not get laid on a cruise.

Actually, what we’ll do is figure out what you shouldn’t wear. Firstly, don’t wear shorts, of any kind, what the hell is wrong with you? Only married men with a lot of money can wear shorts, and you my friend are neither. Don’t wear a shirt with a witty remark or comment on it, even if she see’s it and laughs, she will immediately realize that you wore that shirt to make up for you total lack of personality. The funnier the shirt is, the funnier she’ll know you aren’t. Lastly, don’t ever wear leather pants, the kind of women that sleep with leather clad men generally carry diseases.

What to look for

If you can beat her girlfriend in a fist fight, the girl on the right will lay you.

The ultimate rule: Normal math doesn’t apply to women, if there are two women sitting alone together, and three of you and your friends, you are still outnumbered.

Ask yourself questions. Is she alone? Does it appear that she’s waiting for someone? How many empty glasses are gathered around her? Does she smoke? Is she moving her fist back and forth in front of her mouth displaying the universal ‘I wanna blow you’ gesture? In the end, you need to find a woman who is drunk enough to have blurred vision, but not quite drunk enough to hurl all over your crotch while you drive her back to your place.

What to say

Tom's a life guard, but as far as Kim knows, he's a well hung day trader.

A lot a guys say things like, “Act natural.” Or “Just tell her your name and ask her for hers.” Sounds good doesn’t it? Well a lot of guys are f**kin’ idiots, and you shouldn’t listen. Truth? Woman want to be lied to upfront, have drinks bought for them, then almost casually disregarded. That way they can see you as a ‘project’ they get to waste a good portion of their lives ‘working' on. Men who come pre-trained don’t provide the drama women typically need to make it through the day, and are therefore a complete waste of time. Plus, it will be painfully obvious to her, that she’ll have to deal with your over-protective bat friggin’ crazy mother /slash/ landlord before the second date.

What not to say

A real smooth operator could still turn this painful setback into sex.

The truth for starters. Take all the money you can spare to bars, so you can buy people drinks and spread it around real thick. Don’t talk about how big your Johnson is unless it really is that big. Women will put up with a small wanker if you spring that sh*t on em’. But, if you get her all psyched about your junk, and she ends up needing pliers and a road map, she will leave you right then and there. Men will put up with girdles, wonder bras, and those jeans that make women’s butt’s look bigger, but women are way more selective.

The close

Girl number one is totally good to go, ya just gotta ditch her sober friend.

Can she still stand? Then she’s not quite ready to go yet. Once you have to help her to your car, then your in. Don’t feel too guilty, she came to a bar alone, dressed in a mini skirt, six inch heels, and a wife beater, plus she’s had half the bar to drink, she knows what’s up. Make sure that people see you help her to your car, you’ll look gentlemanly, and all the women who see you carry her off like a knight in shining armor, will look forward to having sex with you in the bar parking lot the next week.

Essentials

If selling sperm, or blood will giet you cash to get laid, then get it done.

Make sure to take an extra set of car keys, in case she gets crazy and tries to steal the first set. Bring lots of protection, not so that you can use em’ on her (really, who uses condoms anymore?) but, so that you can ‘accidentally’ drop them out of your pocket when you go to pay for her drink. That way she knows that you’re f**kin’ something tonight, and that if she acts right, it could be her. Never bring a jacket, if she gets cold, take the opportunity to stare at her nipples, also offer to spoon with her to keep her warm. Make sure to go back to her place if at all possible (get a room if not, do not, I repeat do not take that ***** to your house!), to avoid the awkward, “Thanks for breakfast in bed, uh… get out now” moment. Lastly, never wear dress shoe’s to a girls house, you might need to run for your life first thing in the morning.

Remember guys, that if all else fails, at about 10:30, walk into the bathroom and copy all the numbers written on the stall, one of them is bound to be a real hooker. Happy hunting!