Despite what all women everywhere will tell you, women’s fashion is easy: you just have to look super pretty. All the shopping your girlfriend does, the agonizing over jeans, the experimental sequence of outfits that begins an hour before she leaves the house—it’s all for one clearly defined end: making her look as physically attractive as possible.
Men’s fashion is not so simple. Men do not want to look pretty; we want to look good, and part of looking good is looking like someone who doesn’t rely on his looks. In this way, men’s fashion is semiological. What we wear sends signals about who we are.
I will fix your computer/repeatedly ask “Is this okay?” during sex.
Unfortunately, most of us do not give a rat’s ass about sending signals. We are saving our rat’s ass for something important, like our jobs or our friends or Big Ten football, and in the meantime we will wear roughly the same thing as everybody else. For the most part, this is a good system, since men’s fashion is remarkably consistent. Black suits. Jeans without a lot of decorative stitching. Loafers. Done.
Every once in a while, though, a toxic idea takes hold in men’s fashion. Because we are social creatures, such ideas spread quickly, like a virus or Ke$ha. These fashion viruses are so widespread that they become symbols in themselves, taking on meanings that override any other choices you might make. Your Ed Hardy t-shirt, in other words, is wearing you.
Like any virus, these fashion memes can be diagnosed and cured. What follows are five popular men’s fashion mistakes, what they inadvertently say about you, and how they can be fixed.
Pointy Hair
What it says: I would gladly take you to the Sum 41 concert, or to get drunk and watch my bros wrestle each other.
The cure: Messy hair. The problem with pointy hair, which started as a variant of messy hair anyway, is that it obviously took way too long to do. Have your barber cut your hair medium-short, put a small amount of pomade or creme in it, and muss it a maximum of three times. That’s all you get—three times. Any more than that and you’re preening, and it’ll show. No woman is looking for a preening man.
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