By Ben Fowlkes

There’s absolutely no way for a man to look cool when he’s carrying flowers. You see this all the time, no more so than on Valentine’s Day, the most saccharine of the made-up holidays.

Guy’s out on the street, a bundle of overpriced flowers wrapped up in sparkly paper, that hangdog expression on his face. Maybe he tries to tuck them into the crook of his arm like a football. Maybe he carries them upside down in a failed attempt at looking nonchalant. It doesn’t work. They’re flowers. That look of pity or disdain other men are giving him? He deserves it. What’s worse, he knows he deserves it. He’s a chump.

I don’t mean to beat up on those of our brethren who get bullied into celebrating Valentine’s Day. We’ve all been there, except perhaps for gay men, who must feel like they’re living the dream when February 14th rolls around. If there are any gay guys reading this, let me ask you: is Valentine’s Day a holiday of a different sort for you? Is it a time when you celebrate the fact that you don’t have to put up with women at all, or are you blissfully unaware of the sad fate you’ve escaped?

In the world of men, no one looks forward to Valentine’s Day. It’s stupid, and we all know it. It’s not just stupid because it was made up by candy and greeting card companies. All holidays are made up, after all. Valentine’s Day is stupid because it’s impossible to take seriously, and at the same time it’s impossible to ignore. At least, it used to be impossible to ignore. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Not if we band together.

Not too long ago I had the opportunity to spend a day and a half in the New York City lockup. Long story short, I had a disagreement on the street that got settled the old-fashioned way. One of the people I was locked up with was small-time rapper Sixty Second Assassin. If you haven’t heard of him, you aren’t alone, trust me.

In a fit of indignation that seemed typical for Sixty, he whipped all the men in the holding cells into a fury over how we were being treated. He implored everyone to resist the plea bargain they were offered. The thinking was that the judicial system relied on not having to try the majority of its cases. If everyone insisted on a trial, he claimed, the system would be overloaded. The idea met with great approval, though it was forgotten about fifteen minutes later when a freestyle rapping competition spontaneously broke out. Seriously.

My point is, if we men want to get out from under the yoke of Valentine’s Day, we have to work together. If none of us so much as even acknowledge the holiday, we could effectively shut it down. Imagine, all those unsold teddy bears. Chocolate hearts wasting away on store shelves. Roses wilting in florist shop windows. That’s a statement. That’s power.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re worried about what the women will say. Let me assure you of one thing: women know Valentine’s Day is stupid. The smart ones do, anyway. The only ones who take it seriously are the ones who are always single when the day arrives, leaving them to invite their other single girlfriends over to watch “Pretty Woman” and talk about how they totally don’t need men. The sharper women, they realize it’s a sham but just don’t want you to think you’re getting away with something. They don’t want the candy and stuffed animals. They only want not to be the girl who thinks she has a boyfriend until Valentine’s Day rolls around and no gifts and/or phone calls are forthcoming and she’s forced to find out the hard way.

What I’m saying is we should give our women some credit. They aren’t children. They’ll understand that this is about us standing up for ourselves and changing the world in the process. We could even replace Valentine’s Day with another made-up holiday that everyone can enjoy. Something like Whiskey Day or Pornography Day. We could even combine the two. Who knows?

Of course, I’m not naïve. I know this won’t work. It won’t work for the same reason that the Sixty Second Assassin’s grand scheme failed to dismantle the justice system, and that’s because it’s easy to get behind a cause in public and in theory, but behind closed doors you’ll all betray me. Just like I betrayed Sixty when I accepted that misdemeanor charge. Just like we all did.

But brothers, if what I’m saying makes any sense to you at all, do me one favor. Today, when you see some poor chump with his bunch of flowers on the street? Punch him in his face. Teach him a lesson. And after you’re arrested, don’t take the plea. Whiskey and Porn Day can still be a reality. It’s up to you.