Science fiction has taught us that in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape, humans inevitably forgo functional clothing for punk-ish flash, but where will you keep your house key when all you've got on is assless chaps and spiked hockey pads? For a utilitarian take on gnarly looking survival gear, check out Kitanica.

Designed as “exoskeletons for humans”, Kitanica melds classic and futuristic aesthetic elements with ultra-durable fabrics and construction, creating chic jackets for dominating the outdoors, the vision of a master's degree'd dude who teaches at-risk youths...so, The Substitute's Treat Berenger? Their newest model, the MARK I, rocks a rugged shell stitched from heavy weight, abrasion resistant 1000 denier Cordura, and drops b-loads of handy features including an epaulette that functions as a hands-free flashlight cradle; cinching cuffs/collar/waist straps for weather protection; US Army-patented nylon webbing for attaching essential gear; and a double-reinforced “drag strap” on the rear of the collar, good for lugging felled game, though should they wake up they'll be angry and have a flashlight. There're also 11 specialized pockets, from a cargo chest number with internal D-ring for tethering equipment, to two vertical waist jobs (also w/ D-rings), to four interior compartments, to a shoulder pocket pimping pen sleeves, because in the harsh and lonely wilderness, the only naked women you'll find are those you draw for yourself.

Mark I: As seen in G.I. Joe?

For an even harder-core steez, check out K's original Mark IV, which features strategically placed rib padding for “side impact and protrusion resistance”, a rifle recoil pad, and an articulated pad running down the back, which will protect your spine from bat wielding mutant freaks whose fiery anger only stems from the sand constantly grating their bums.

Mark IV: As seen in Class of Nuke 'Em High?