Five Fashion Viruses and their Cures

Men’s fashion is not so simple. Men do not want to look pretty; we want to look good, and part of looking good is looking like someone who doesn’t rely on his looks. In this way, men’s fashion is semiological. What we wear sends signals about who we are.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, most of us do not give a rat’s ass about sending signals. We are saving our rat’s ass for something important, like our jobs or our friends or Big Ten football, and in the meantime we will wear roughly the same thing as everybody else. For the most part, this is a good system, since men’s fashion is remarkably consistent. Black suits. Jeans without a lot of decorative stitching. Loafers. Done.

 

Every once in a while, though, a toxic idea takes hold in men’s fashion. Because we are social creatures, such ideas spread quickly, like a virus or Ke$ha. These fashion viruses are so widespread that they become symbols in themselves, taking on meanings that override any other choices you might make. Your Ed Hardy t-shirt, in other words, is wearing you.

 

Like any virus, these fashion memes can be diagnosed and cured. What follows are five popular men’s fashion mistakes, what they inadvertently say about you, and how they can be fixed.

 

 

 

What it says: I would gladly take you to the Sum 41 concert, or to get drunk and watch my bros wrestle each other.

The cure: Messy hair. The problem with pointy hair, which started as a variant of messy hair anyway, is that it obviously took way too long to do. Have your barber cut your hair medium-short, put a small amount of pomade or creme in it, and muss it a maximum of three times. That’s all you get—three times. Any more than that and you’re preening, and it’ll show. No woman is looking for a preening man.

 

What it says: I am a reliable wage-earner without a woman to tell me how to dress.

The cure: A white button-down and patterned pants. From a certain standpoint, khakis and a blue button-down say something positive about you: you have a job, and you do not have to stop home and see your girlfriend before you go out after work. That’s attractive to a certain kind of woman—the kind who is looking for a single man with a job. If you must go out in the same clothes you wore to work, wear a white shirt and subtly patterned slacks—hound’s tooth, checks, pinstripes, anything but khaki.

 

 

 

What it says: I either have overestimated my attractiveness or am Glenn Danzig.

The cure: Roll up your sleeves. There are two reasons to wear a leather cuff: because you want to draw attention to your forearms, and because leather is vaguely sexual. The first purpose can more elegantly be accomplished by wearing a long-sleeved shirt with the cuffs rolled to just below the elbow. The second only works if you’re in a band.

 

What it says: I am a camp counselor, or could become one at any time.

The cure: Flip flops. The last people to successfully make sandals look masculine were Roman gladiators. Since then, they are the mark of the vacationing retired man (socks) or the hippie (no socks.) Even if you are a completely unreconstructed hippie, you should try to hide it. A pair of flip flops are just as casual, nearly as comfortable, and don’t come with the same cultural baggage. Best of all, they never cost more than $15.

 

 

 

What it says: I probably know where to get Rohypnol.

The cure: Plain black t-shirt. Ed Hardy is done. Affliction is done, Christian Audigier is done, freaking Silver Star and TCB are done. Frankly, the entire enterprise of American t-shirts is in a bad way right now, and until punk rock becomes a viable musical form again, your best bet is plain black. It’s still tough, you can still wear it to the club, and you won’t wind up in a photo essay with “douchebag” in the title.