By Nathan Jordan
|Look, I know we need a designated driver for tonight. I understand that it’s Clay’s birthday, and he wants to go bar hopping all the way in Long Beach, despite the fact that none of us live within 30 miles of the place. I also know that someone has to drive and that it’s probably my turn once again. But I’m telling you guys, I was bitten by that werewolf a couple of months ago, so I just don’t think it’s a good idea that I be the one who drives.|
How am I supposed to shift gears with paws like that?
Okay. Yes, I hear what you are saying. I never drive and I always seem to have some excuse, but this is serious guys. I’d rather someone just drive drunk than run the chance of me randomly turning into a werewolf while driving 65 mph down the 405. It wouldn’t be pretty.
I’m almost positive wolves of any kind lack the ability to drive, let alone rage-filled werewolves such as myself. We’re talking deadly car crash here, people. And then, if you do survive, I’d probably come back after the survivors and eat you. I mean, werewolves are pretty strong, so it’s not like I would die in the crash. I’m just concerned for you guys, that’s all. In fact, I’m going to insist that you guys bind my arms in the back seat just in case. At least that way you’re safe. It might also be wise to bring a silver dagger along. But no, I’m not missing this party. It’s going to be epic.
This is why werewolves aren’t allowed to drive.
What do you mean it’s not even a full moon tonight? Shows what you know about real werewolves. Maybe you should stop watching so many movies. I could turn at any time, man. It’s not like I have control over it. Oh, wait. There is one thing that will keep me from turning into a werewolf– drinking alcohol. I better drink as much as I can tonight.
That’s totally irresponsible, Taylor Swift.
Have I actually turned into a werewolf? Well, that’s hard to say really. I mean, I may have, but people don’t actually remember turning, so how am I supposed to know? Why take the chance and make me drive tonight? After all, this is about safety and responsibility.
So I guess it’s settled then. Who wants to pick me up? By the way, do you guys mind covering my drinks tonight? I would totally pay for myself but I think my werewolf form has a gambling problem.