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The CraveOnline Guide to “Street Boners”

Dave Schilling tries to review the latest humor book to mock hipster street fashions, but ends up calling in a special guest critic instead…

The CraveOnline Guide to


By Dave Schilling
There is this sub-culture floating around that you might have heard of once or twice.  Apparently, they are called "hipsters" and they "hate everything" and "like to f**k, do drugs and wear weird clothes."  I might have even written something about this pheonmenon.  I guess someone invented getting drunk and acting stupid while wearing clothes from a thrift store:  His name is Gavin McInnes.

You might know Gavin from the pages of Vice Magazine, where he’s been dishing out fashion advice to broke assholes since the 90s.  Gavin just came out with a new book called Street Boners

Call me crass if you wish, but when I first heard the title, I assumed that it would be all about guys getting aroused whilst walking their dogs or getting coffee, or other things urban dudes do on the street.  After going through this weighty tome, I can assure you that no one gets an erection in any of these pictures, though you might score a chub yourself when checking out all the fine hipster chicks.

I was given a free copy of Street Boners to review.  Typically, I’m stoked to get media to reveiw.  I think "oh, free stuff is rad."  I mean, I have a complimentary Spankie at home, so clearly I don’t mind getting anything for free, no matter how useless. 

Unfortunately, I feel a conflict of interest at play while pondering what to say about this book.  You see, I have often been referred to as a "hipster" by my friends. Not sure what I’m doing to deserve this distinction, but feel free to judge for yourself:

Perhaps wearing panties on your head is super alternative and cool, but if it is, no one was kind enough to tell me.

 


 

I guess, if people tell me I’m hip, that means I am, right?  Who better to label me than other people that met me 3 weeks ago at Silverlake Lounge while I was ordering a Pabst Blue Ribbon on my mom’s credit card? 

Due to my "hipster cred," I can’t properly review this book, so I’ve enlisted Italian dictator Benito Mussolini to review the book in my place.  After all, who knows more about conforming to fashion trends than a fascist?

By Benito Mussolini

Helloa there, citizens.  My gooda friend and fellow hipster, Dave Schilling, inviteda me to review something called ah…how you say?  Streeta Bonas?  This sounds a bitta lika pornographica film.  My regime does not condone sucha crass displays of perversion.  I STOMP MY JACKBOOT ON YOUR BONER!

But, I will, how you say, reviewa da book anyway.  As a favor for a fellow bro.

Da book has Gavin McInnes writing funny quips abouta hipsters.  Lessay Mr. McIness is, to use a filthy Yankee slang term, "shooting fish in a barrel."  Wesa all made fun offa da hipsters, even me and I’mma hipper than dat guy from Vampire Weekend. 

McInnes ratesa dees hipster photos on a scale of 1 to 10 baby kittens.  IN ITALY, I MADE KITTENS ILLEGAL.  I STOMP MY JACKBOOT ON YOUR KITTENS, FOR I AM IL DUCE!

 


 

There are tonna phunny photos of hipsters in wacky, how you say, outfits.  Kinda likea dis:

I thinka dees bros are homeless.  IN ITALY, WE EXECUTE DA HOMELESS THEN SELL THEIR POSSESSIONS TO YOU AT LOW, LOW PRICES.  IL DUCE INVENTED THRIFT STORES!

Gavin will makea da phunny joke about da hipsters.  For example:

"As you can see, hanging ten is still quite popular in Williamsburg, despite the lack of any kind of surfable beaches or sunlight, for that matter."

You laugha because it’sa TRUE!  IN ITALY, THE ONLY TRUTH WAS MY TRUTH!  THE TRUTH OF THE MOTHER STATE!  I CRUSH YOUR TRUTH UNDER MY JACKBOOT!

I thinka these comments are pretty phunny, butta aftera 1,764 of dem, itta gets kinda old.  It’sa more of a coffee table book to start, how you say, coversations with fellow hipsters.  Plus, McInnes spendsa lotta time talking abouta himself and how great and fashionable he is.  IN ITALY, THE ONLY GREAT MAN WAS ME, IL DUCE!  I INVENTED THE FINEST FASHION TREND OF THEM ALL: BLACK SHIRTS AND JACKBOOTS!  THE NEXT HIPSTER FASHION TREND WILL BE FULL ALLEGIANCE TO THE STATE!  ALSO, YOU WILL BUY THE NEW MGMT ALBUM, EVEN THOUGH IT KINDA SUCKS ASS, BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Gavin hassa been in da, how you say, snarky internet commentator game for longer than I canna even imagine.  He’ssa "OG" snark.  I’mma give him his, how you say, props for making it.

 


 

Overall, dis book issa pretty good.  There are guests comments fromma phunny bros like Fred Armisen and Tim & Eric, plus comments from fashion icons likea Debbie Harry and, how you say, Chloe Sevigny.  Dissa book would makea da nice gift for your favoritea hipster so dat dey can getta da fashion tips and maybe somma quicka laughs.

I givea dis book the official State Seal of Approval.  You can check outta Gavin’s book here.  You canna probably also buy it atta your local Urban Outfitters, along witha ironic Ghostbustersa keychain.

Remember, I amma always a’watching.  If you starta dressing likea da mainstreamer or Abercrombie frat bro, I will finda you and CRUSH YOU! 

I will leavea you with a, how you say, sexy fashion photo dat you can takea tips from, likea my friend Gavin McInnes:

SHORT SHORTS ARE THE TALK OF THE RUNWAY IN MILAN!  ITTSA NICE!