By Nathan Jordan
|Welcome to yet another weekly dose of celebrities acting like idiots, idiots acting like celebrities, and Miley Cyrus acting like a slut.
John Carlos Cruz, a former Food Network chef known as the “Calorie Commando,” became a real-life commando this week. Well, if offering three homeless guys $1000 to murder your wife is considered “commando.” People, this is why we need to make divorce legal.
So much…uh… talent.
Megan Fox, where have you been? In a recent interview for Allure, Megan claims she has OCD. She also adds, "I could go days, weeks, without talking to another human being. I hate receiving compliments. I hate being told I’m talented or people think I’m going to be a movie star. I always feel that it’s forced or fake." Don’t worry, Megan; we’ll never tell you that you’re talented.
Sean Penn has been sentenced to three years probation, 300 hours of community service, and anger management classes for smacking a paparazzo. Sean Penn + anger management= comedy gold! Coming this fall on CBS!
This is the last thing you see before prison.
Although it seems like Miley Cyrus has been legal for forever now, she’s actually still underage, which is why some people are up in arms about a video showing her bumping and grinding with some producer. (None of us pervs here at Crave seem to be that offended.) The man she’s giving the lap dance to in the video is Adam Shankman, who is openly gay, once again proving that gay men get all of the women, even the underage strippers.
What used to be…
Britney Spears’ agent, Jason Something-or-other, has quit! So he can bone her. Too bad. He was doing such a good job with her career.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber had dinner together the other night. Speculation is that there is nothing romantic going on between the two. Of course there isn’t. Strippers are only it for the money, little Beiber. And speaking of strippers…
The newest Miss USA, Rima Fakih, has a stripper past! Well, according to the popular press. (We here at Crave consider ourselves clever press, not popular. Suck it, jocks!) When we first heard this news, we were quite excited, only to be disappointed with lame pics of some morning-radio “stripper” contest in Detroit:
Come on! She’s not a real stripper unless she’s naked enough to at least show off her cesarean scar.
Now that Bret Michaels has recovered from a brain hemorrhage, it’s time to get back on the stage. Bret plans on resuming the solo tour he was in the midst of when he fell ill. The promoter must be so relieved that the show will go on. Hundreds of dollars were at stake.
Well, that’s it for this week. If you have any inside celebutard info or just want to tell me how much you hate me, you can get a hold of me via www.whitesocksblackshoes.com and become a fan on Facebook.