Yes, the internet is awesome. It allows us uninterrupted access to the full scope of world events and the deepest depths of depravity our perverted little minds can dig. It's forcing the future we envisioned as kids, with video phones and digital malls and 45 year old men posing as teenage schoolgirls at every stray click. But there's also a downside - one that's changing the world as we know it, and your life will forever be affected.
To prove it, here are 6 Things You Can't Do Anymore Because Of The Internet.
1. Get a Job
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What? You spent all of your teens and twenties playing games on your goddamned computer? Well, don't fret - there's an entire generation of kids just like you, with absolutely zero applicable skills in the real world and the social abilities of a sixth grader at a sorority party. And if you happened to get a college degree, great! It could very well land you some potentially-lucrative interviews, but once they do a little back-checking and see your Glenn Beck-fueled rants and keg-standing pics on Facebook - not to mention all the shit you talked on your last boss - you'll be in the rejection heap in no time. Way to go, internet babies.
2. Be Respected By Your Kids
Remember your Dad's embarrassment when you found his mulleted bell-bottom disco pictures from the 70s? Right - now picture the digital trail of humiliation you're leaving for the next generation to find. Your kids are going to be reading your pathetic Livejournal posts twenty years from now, laughing at your stupid emo tantrums, whining between eyeliner applications about some forgotten band who understands you better than anyone else. They'll be digging through your homemade bong pics and pulling up your arrest record with a few clicks while you're trying to lecture them on responsibility. Nice example, pops.
3. Be Blissfully Unaware
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Faith in the common decency of mankind is a scarce thing these days, and rightfully so. You now know what a jar breaking inside of a man's ass looks like, you've seen 2 Girls 1 Cup and you've become irreversibly aware of soul-sucking nonentities like Spencer & Heidi and Jon Gosselin. You're forever doomed to familiarity with everything remotely Kardashian, and the Jersey Shore isn't just a beach full of syringes and spray-tanned sluts with tragic accents anymore. When crisis hits anywhere in the world, dismembered children and mass devastation are in your face 'round the clock. No need to guess how many pedophiles there are in your neighborhood - there's a website for that. In fact, there's a site for just about everything you've ever thought of. Especially the more disgusting things. There is no escape.
4. Become a Spy
Your dreams of becoming the next Jason Bourne went belly-up the minute you set up that Facebook account. Thanks to social networking sites and the world's collective obsession with exhibitionism, it's next to impossible for the spy industry to find new recruits without an online trail. The new chief of Britain's secret intelligence organization MI6, Sir John Sawers, ran into just that problem when his wife posted personal family pictures on her Facebook profile, making them available to ‘friends’ and millions of members of the London network. It's a bit hard to be a secret agent when you've got 900 Twitter followers and you posted your audition tape for the next season of "The Real World".
5. Believe in God
Whatever your flavor of delusion, there's a remedy in the billions of people out there in internet land just as passionately devoted to their equally impossible fairytale. And guess what? They have just as much "faith" as you. Sure, maybe you've got a great argument as to why your God really is better than the other Gods out there - but that's like explaining why Santa Claus could beat the Tooth Fairy's ass.
The days of inherited faith unquestioned and unchecked are forever gone from the mainstream. People now have a resource to build knowledge and historical reference, no matter their location, and we're allowed a much more objective look at spirituality than at any point in the history of our species. With hyper-exposed politicians cherry-picking holy writings to serve their agendas, evangelicals being stripped of their bogey-man tabloid influence by the fact-checking masses and discerning minds that have evolved (yes, e-v-o-l-v-e-d) beyond the ability to blindly follow scientifically disproven gloom and doom ranting, your days of blissfully ignorant devotion to imaginary cloud men will soon be at an end.
6. Have a Normal Sex Life
Before the insurmountable mega-mountains of free porn on the internet became available, people were able to remain happy with their relatively tame sex lives. But after the intarnugs sucks you into its bizarre world of tentacle porn, adult diaper fetishes and God knows what the hell else, it's virtually impossible to feel fulfilled by the old run of the mill heave-ho.
Our parents' concept of raunchy sex is the welcome mat to the mansion of filth and perversion that exists today. Has everyone become disgustingly perverted as you? Yes, they have, and so much worse, because they now have a place to congregate and share ideas. What the hell is the Spider-Man, the Angry Spider, the Sloppy Louis? You really don't want to find out (no, seriously), but thanks to this wretched technology you will soon enough. The seed has been planted, and now you're curious.
