Being awesomely successful is not outside the realm of possibility for you. You may think it is. You look at yourself and assume that you’re a complete turd with no prospects whatsoever. Hell, you’re reading this, aren’t you? That’s basically an admission that you’re a giant doofus. You are going to spend the holidays all by yourself, pounding egg nog and unwrapping presents from your sister. It’s all good though. In the next couple pages, I’m going to give you a surefire set of tools to help you get through this holiday season with a minimal amount of embarrassment. It’s my patented MEGA MASTER PLAN, and it is guaranteed to get you paid and laid this year.
Let’s start with a topic you’re all very curious about:
TOPIC 1: ME
I know what you’re thinking. When you look at me, you say, “Chip Diego is a man who is at his physical, emotional and sexual peak.” I know you want to climb this mountain. It’s a long way down. Hope you packed a sack lunch, know what I’m saying?
No, you do NOT know what I’m saying. Puns are for losers, pretty people (or PP’s for short). I don’t want you to lose. I want to teach you how to win. No means yes…unless you’re in a bar and she hasn’t quite finished that roofie and tonic.
Positive energy begets results. I could stand here and say, “I’m overweight. I’m bald. My wife is a prostitute.” These are all technically “true,” under some definition of what true is. I define truth as what is most convenient and helpful for me. Why should I bother admitting the bourgeois reality that THE MAN constructed for me? I’m actually an astronaut, I bring down $200,000 a year, and my wife is a champion weightlifter. Doesn’t that sound better? If it SOUNDS good, it feels good. Write that down in your journals, PP’s.
TOPIC 2: BEING A PREDATOR
If you’re looking to be inspired this Thanksgiving, try the zoo. Consider the beauty of the Animal Kingdom, PP’s. Lions, tigers; these are natural predators. Real success, like the kind I have achieved through my MEGA MASTER PLAN, comes from unlocking your inner predator. Try this exercise: get down on all fours, imagine you have a large piece of raw meat in your mouth. Now, smell it. Smells like shit, doesn’t it? It smells like failure. DO NOT EAT THE RAW MEAT! That is failure! DO NOT EAT THE FAILURE. YOU ARE A PREDATOR! Eat someone successful, this Thanksgiving. Just don’t eat me.
TOPIC 3: GETTING YOUR MAN MEAT MOIST
The last thing I want to advise you on is the opposite sex. There might be a young philly at your Thanksgiving dinner this year, PP’s. Maybe a recent divorcee at your office Christmas party. Some bangin’ single lady staring at you on the street, popping with a sweet rack attack. Until you are as successful as me, these broads will avoid you like that piece of raw meat. You stink of Old Spice and failure. They smell it. Your best choice is to develop a skill or trade. I tried learning how to operate a lathe. Then, I learned how to throw a discus. I finally settled on self-help writing. Other suggestions? How about chimney sweeping? It worked for Dick Van Dyke in that movie. He got to f**k Marry Poppins! Maybe installing aluminum siding? Pyromania? These can all show a woman you have talents beyond the strictly erotic.
Above all, bros, be thankful that you were born a man. Imagine being stuck being born a woman; constantly being harassed by guys like you and me. Let’s all toast to having a penis, this year! I love you, PP’s!