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Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am: Love At First Fight?

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Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am: Love At First Fight?

OMG, u guyz!  Did u here?  Perez got beat on by Will.I.Am! 

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You must have heard, since ol’ P-Rod Twittered his pudgy little fingers to the bone.  It’s truly a sordid tale; one of celebrity excess, poor judgment and a comically retarded over reliance on technology.  Sorta like watching election coverage on CNN.

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I’d like to know how a hologram beat up a 200-pound dude, but I won’t question the science of it all.

It does appear that Mr. I Am did some significant damage to America’s Favorite Guy With No Talent At All.

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I can’t tell where the bruises from the fight end and the herpes scars begin.  Again, I won’t question the science.

I will question exactly how this even qualifies as a “fight.”  It seems more like a “kerfluffle” or a “donnybrook” or some other goofy word that doesn’t sound tough at all.


Consider the details, people.  It’s bad enough that this involved two men competing for the warmest seat in Hell, but that it happened at the Much Music Awards in Canada allows this particular event to qualify for distinction as the…GAYEST FIGHT IN HISTORY!

What makes a fight truly “gay,” you ask? 

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Spray-on abs are a good first sign.

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If one of the competitors enters said fight to the strain of “My Heart Will Go On (Theme from Titanic),” chances are quite good that the first punch will not land solidly. 

Chances are also good that the “first punch” will in fact be a “slap.”

The last defining aspect of a great gay fight? 

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The Rear Naked Choke.

The name itself conjures up so much.  The intimacy it fosters between two grown adult males is staggering.

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Keep it snug, bros.  Keep it snug.


With that said, I want to wrap this up with an open letter to Perez Hilton, himself. 

Perez,

This is your old buddy, Dave Schilling.  Sorry to hear about the incident.  Toronto is a scary city, isn’t it?!  Hope that face heals up fast.  We all know how you rely on your good looks for your success!  Smart move Twittering for help, by the way.  Waiting for the application to load on your iPhone is a far more efficient use of your time than just dialing 911. 

Just a suggestion for next time.  If you dress like this:

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…the police cannot legally prevent you from receiving an ass beating.  It’s true.  It’s a law.  “The David Arquette Act of 2006.”  Next time, try a nice polo shirt/khakis combination.  Maybe a chino pant?  Some penny loafers?  Look, you get my point. 

All the best,

Davexoxoxoxoxoxxoxo