By Jeremy Azevedo
|While we understand that there’s a recession going on and everything, your girlfriend almost certainly expects you to lift your extraneous spending embargo on Valentine’s Day come hell or high water.|
And as we all know, if you don’t show your ladypiece a good time on Valentine’s Day, you probably won’t have a ladypiece come February 15th. Lucky for you, we’ve put together a Valentine’s Day gift guide that will make you look like you understand the female psyche in a way that you never actually will in real life!
Solid Gold iPhone Case
Chicks love Apple products. I don’t know why they love them so much, but I’m not here to debate about the facts, I’m just telling you what I know. If your girl doesn’t already have an iPhone, she wants one. So if she doesn’t have one, and you’re sitting on a heap of expendable cash, buy her one. If she already has one, buy her this solid gold iPhone case that will make her iPhone look even more expensive than all of her friend’s iPhones.
If there are two things that women go for it’s vodka and drinks that taste like fruit. Belvedere’s new “One-X” vodka is the latest in designer booze that girls will be falling all over themselves to pay $15 a drink for next time you go out to a bar. Why not save yourself a few crispies and drink it at home instead?
It’s a popular misconception that girls don’t like video games. In truth, they generally just don’t like the games that you like. Additionally, girl gamers tend to breeze from one game to another like bees to pollen, which can be an expensive habit. With a subscription to GameFly, however, they can have access to as many and as varied a selection of titles as is humanly possible, at a fraction of what you’d pay at retail. It’s like Netflix, but for video games. To start with, I recommend either “Lips”, an excellent karaoke game for the Xbox 360 or “Ninjatown”, a super cute castle defense game for the Nintendo DS.
Ray-Ban Wayfarer “Colorize” Kit
This product isn’t even out yet. But all it is’ a pair of white Wayfarers and a set of permanent markers that you can use to customize them. I’m pretty sure you can figure this one out without Ray-Ban’s help. Just go to Urban Outfitters and buy like three pairs of white knockoff Wayfarers and pick up a set of permanent markers at Rite-Aid or whatever. Now you’re all set to do an arts and crafts project together!
Girls like candles. Girls like gadgets. The Smart Candle combines the two in an ingenious way that also has the added benefit of not being nearly as messy as real candles. Better still, they’re programmed to randomly flicker like a real candle, giving your home that old-timey ambiance that usually leads to sexy time. Just don’t be expecting any of that freaky-deaky wax dripping action, because there won’t be any wax to drip.
This is not the most practical of phone accessories I’ve ever seen, but it’s certainly one of the most fun. Essentially, it’s an old-school corded receiver for your girlfriend’s new school phone, great for talking shit about you to her girlfriends in style. It even comes in a few different colors and designs that you can choose from, most of which are great to stare at while she’s sitting right in front of you, talking to someone else on the phone.
I Can Has Cheezburger: The Book
My girlfriend goes to this website at least three times a week and laughs her goddamn head off. So does yours. Buy her this book, it’s only like ten bucks and it’ll make you look like you really pay attention to her interests.
Swarovski Crystal Studded USB Drive Charm
Why use a plain old boring USB drive when you can have one that’s hidden inside a ridiculously opulent, Swarovski crystal-studded charm? One reason might be that a Swarovski USB drive costs three times as much as a regular one, but that answer is not flying in your girlfriend’s court of opinion, I’m afraid.
I sort of see why accessories are so important to women, because when a girl has a really cool thing that the other girls have never seen before, she is automatically the alpha female for the rest of that day. This handbag is one of those accessories.
Flip Ultra Digital Camcorder
This camcorder couldn’t possibly be any smaller, cuter or easier to use. What’s more, it retails for only $149.99, which is dirt cheap. And who knows? Maybe your girlfriend’s foray into the world of cinematography can lead to even great filmmaking opportunities for you in the long run? (That’s thinly veiled sexual innuendo for those of you that are slow on the uptake, BTW.)