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What if O.J. found the real killers?

Hey, It could totally happen.

What if O.J. found the real killers?

By Big John Studd

The legal designation of O.J. Simpson as “not guilty” (i.e. not in jail) for the past decade or so has always been accompanied by one of the largest collections of winks and air-quotes in the history of mankind. People associate Simpson’s guilt with the same level of certainty as sunrises, violence in the Middle East and illiteracy in rural areas. It’s just seen as one of those facts of life that Jesus etched in stone along with the 10 commandments and other common laws (woman shall always earn 75 cents to man’s dollar). But, what if we’re all wrong? What if O.J. didn’t do it? Would that be the most shocking development of the 21st century?

Everyone knew we were destined for another war in Iraq once McBush was elected by the Supreme Court. I can’t think of anyone around in 2000 who wasn’t saying “We better get this gasoline product while we can, it surely will cost us 13x this in 8 years.” Granted, some of us were caught off-guard by the general stripping of civil liberties in this country (insert political flame-war here) but none of that would compare to my shock if tomorrow’s headlines read “O.J. Simpson finally apprehends the real killers.”

We’ve all laughed for years about O.J.s search, mainly because it looked like a poorly organized attempt at searching for a team of murderers (it had to be a team in order to pull it off and frame OJ in the process). Really though, what type of training and background does Simpson have to execute a man-hunt like that? And, because everyone assumed he was guilty, he had no help in this search. In the movies, guys like that have an old mentor near retirement that can help out before his inevitable death. O.J. has nothing, not even free car rentals anymore. So, can we blame him if his search was poorly handled?

Yes, there was some trial and error involved, but Simpson can now comfortably say that the killers aren’t currently hiding on any of the 23,000 American golf courses. That’s at least a step in the right direction. And, what if the next facet of leisure O.J. investigates produces the real killers? What if, tomorrow, he announces to the world that he found the real killers playing shuffleboard at a community center?

I like to imagine the real killers as a pleasant immigrant husband-wife combo. Perhaps the kind that are smarter and more capable than the landscaping/housecleaning jobs they have would indicate. Maybe they were doctors wherever they came from (see, I didn’t say “Mexico” here because that would be racist. And, since you thought “Mexico” before I said it, that makes you the racist. Not me) before accepting a life of menial labor in America.

Perhaps they once requested an autograph from Mr. Simpson after a morning well-spent trimming his wife’s hedges (please don’t insert any sexual innuendo here, because a threesome involving an Mexican immigrant couple and his wife would just be another murder motive) and he jilted them. This was just their revenge.

I honestly can’t fathom how mainstream media would handle that development. I don’t know how I would handle it. I’d have to question everything I knew. That would be like someone finding out that the Titanic didn’t sink, it just got lost and showed up tomorrow with a bunch of corpses and old people on it. The only thing I know for sure is that Skip Bayless would say he knew all along that Mexicans immigrants were behind the murders.

Simpson would immediately become a cause célèbre when it comes to illegal immigration and America would probably build a border fence to the moon out of guilt for 13 years of O.J. jokes.

The truth it is out there. And Simpson is hoping he can casually stumble over it. And if that happens, all I know is that would be some crazy shit.

Big John Studd is one of the writers for StolenLunchMoney.com. His band of merry literati tackle a variety of subjects at StolenLunchMoney.com. You can reach Mr. Studd at bigjohnstudd@stolenlunchmoney.com.