So your TiVo’s empty. You threw all your DVD’s away in a fit of boredom, and there’s no end in sight to the writers strike. Soon enough we’ll have to resort to filling in the prime-time slots with even more useless game shows and bottom-scraping reality shows. It’s a sad fact we all must face, unless we can come up with something better.
Here are five ideas for new shows that might be just a bit more entertaining than the mind-numbing crap currently on your TV screen.
Last Dancer – Contestants are locked in a nightclub with no clocks or windows, non-stop strobe lights, laser beams and a DJ spinning the most repetitive eurotrash dance tracks ever made. Object is to remain in dancing motion longer than any other contestant, effectively becoming the Last Dancer. Bottled water and ecstasy pills are issued to winners of mini-challenges within the contest, such as "Rapid-Fire Dance Moves" and "Hammer-Time".
Escape or Die - Contestants are put in near-inescapable situations that will surely mean death if their wits fail them. Example: one contestant is locked in a crematorium crawling with black widow spiders, with 15 minutes to escape before everything in the room is incinerated. His or her only tools will be a thin copper wire, a stick of gum (wrapper included) and a bottle of hot sauce. Naturally, Richard Dean Anderson (star of "Macgyver") will host.
Welcome to Reality – Contestants are strapped to a chair with a Clockwork Orange-style gadet holding their eyelids open, and forced to watch a wall of screens displaying every imaginable reality show in existence until thirst, desperation or brainmush causes them to quit. Last one to quit or beg for death wins.
Fall to Freedom – Ten convicts facing prison sentences of 10-20 years are shackled together and thrown out of an airplane at 7,500 ft. with the promise of freedom for whoever survives. No parachutes are involved – the object is to use the other criminals to cushion your fall.
Revenge – Viewers write in with their revenge ideas, and producers make the most popular ideas a "reality". For example: Michael Vick has to fight a pack of pit bulls, a rapist is stripped naked, has a big red bow tied around his neck and chained on all fours in the prison shower, etc. Season finale finds George Bush and Dick Cheney abandoned in an Iraqi oil field, many miles from U.S. forces, with only an American flag to protect them.