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The Drunk Dude’s Code Of Conduct

This should be in every university student handbook.

Look at you. You’re such a mess when you’ve had a few drinks. How on Earth do you get into such a state? No one here is impressed, least of all the girl that you appear to be holding hostage under your arm. You, my friend, seem to be failing to adhere to the Drunk Dude’s Code of Conduct. Prepare to be enlightened…

Rule #1: Don’t Stare.
When you’re drunk time somehow expands itself until even the most miniscule of tasks, such as forming a complete sentence, become needlessly lengthy and troublesome. Remember this next time you throw a look towards a girl at the bar. You may only think you’ve given her a cursory glance, but in reality you’ve been staring open-mouthed and drooling at her for a good 5 minutes. This, coincidentally, is just the amount of time necessary for her boyfriend to notice and leave you with a parting gift of a bloodied nose and a bruised pride.

Rule #2: Don’t unbutton your shirt.
A rule that very few men abide by, but one that I still feel is worth mentioning; no matter how much alcohol you have consumed, the chances that you have developed the body of a demi-God from the duration of time it took you to make it from the bar to the dancefloor are sadly non-existent.

Rule #3: Hold those tears back, Soldier.
It’s been a difficult night. You’ve lost your buddies, your wallet and the remnants of your dignity. You’ve also just been served a Jack n Coke by a really hot girl whom you think you may now be in love with. You’re experiencing so many mixed emotions right now that you could just start sobbing like a newborn, but you must be brave, if not for you then for Facebook; no one wants their news feed clogged up tomorrow morning with tagged photos of your mental breakdown.

Rule #4: You cannot breakdance.
Firstly, we must point out that we are not adverse to a man simply enjoying himself in a club. We’re not fans of this whole macho posturing nonsense, where you do nothing but stand around uselessly with a drink in your hand trying to perfect that smouldering look you’ve seen in all those sub-par romantic-comedies. But regardless of whether or not you find enjoyment out of swivelling around the sticky club floor on your head, we still strongly urge you to cease and desist. Y’see, for all the things a nerdy white guy (we know that we’re stereotyping you here, but you’re our target audience and we’re going to stand by you, goddamit) can do when venturing into a club, breakdancing is perhaps the most demeaning. Sure, the crowd that will inevitably gather may pat you on the back. They may even applaud you. But just know that every single one of them pities you, and if you breakdance at any social gathering ever again, you will most certainly die alone.

Rule #5: Stop buying drinks for girls who aren’t going to sleep with you
Some may call it chivalry; we call it stupidity. It might be deemed as friendly to offer a round of shots to a group of random girls stood at the bar, but we all know that friendship isn’t what you’re after. If you offer a girl a drink and you aren’t related to them/already sleeping with them, then you’re also offering to have sex with them. This is fine, completely understandable, until it gets to the point when it is clear that none of these girls are going to take you up on your subliminal offer, yet you are still lingering at the bar with them paying for the entirety of their night. Count your losses and walk away from this one, son. Your wallet will thank you in the morning.