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You’re NOT Helping: Pseudoscience Edition

Another salute to the people who make life WORSE.

Well we all survived the potential rapture a few weeks back, but honestly I could have used a few less folks around to piss me off. I try to look at the bright side of things in that people are at least giving me new things to yell about. That doesn’t mean that clipboard wielding people with social agendas and bank rules aren’t still cropping up, but so are a whole bunch of new horrible people and their perpetual BS. Let’s visit the latest crop of people who just aren’t helping:

PS: Check out my problems with Clipboard Guy and Bankers HERE: Clipboard Guy  and BANK DICK

People who quote ASTROLOGY:

Hold on! Hold on! Don’t think I’m going to toss under the bus all the people who simply read a horoscope from time to time. I even take some stock in the dating compatibility of one sign vs. another. This is probably easier for me to believe because I am a Scorpio and we are supposed to be sexual dynamos and such. Being a sex machine makes drinking the cool-aid all the sweeter. No the people I take umbrage with here are people who are into that advanced stuff. You know, the “moon in retrograde” sort. I know it’s hypocritical to be in support of the ever compelling debate of Capricorn vs. Libra but not for one hot second want to hear about Jupiter's alignment and its effect on tax preparedness. What’s even worse is how people just drop that stuff on you like you know what the hell that means. “Well you know Mercury is in retrograde all week and Pluto is in the cleft of Venus, so you shouldn’t date a girl you haven’t known for 4.5 years or less.” What? Why? Am I supposed to know and agree with that like its common knowledge? You might as well say: “Well Paul Bunion has a big blue ox, so don’t date a girl with two eyes.” That statement would have about the same weight. It’s really the delivery of the information that gets to me, not the fact that it has no merit whatsoever.  Don’t just include them in conversations like it’s taught in freshmen high school. Try dropping some particle physics on someone out of the blue. You won’t make friends.

Oh and it is a whole pile of shit btw. The idea that planetary aliment has any effect on humans is pretty ludicrous as it is, but let’s imagine it does…. Then wouldn’t everyone be effected equally thus making for a zero gain? Or are some people affected uniquely by different planetary bodies? I know we all want to believe in forces greater then ourselves, but sorry folks, you’re not helping.

Power Bands:

 

A few dozen years back there were villains called Snake Oil salesmen. You know the story, they sold all sorts of tonics and unguents, and none of them did much, except cause a fair amount of illness. But now we’ve replaced this with powerbands and other performance enhancing knick-knacks that are still full of crap but now you can’t drink it. I for one prefer my magical potions to be quaff-able and not simply a piece of jewelry. In case you don’t already know, powerbands are the little bracelets people wear that look like they contain a small metal disk. That little disk is apparently a hologram, and let me tell you folks, the claims people make about this thing are truly, truly, truly outrageous. Basically this little hologram disk increases your balance and potency and tells you secrets…or so they claim.

I just can’t get over the fact that so many people have bought into this. Every time I see someone with a powerband on I immediately think of ways to con them out of their money. Why not! They already fell for a HOLOGRAPHIC WRIST BAND! All I really ask is that people who leave America for foreign lands are forced against their will to leave these things at home. Why? So other nations don’t have any more reason to see how stupid we are.

I feel now like a bunch of people who are holding their laptop with an obviously powerbanded wrist are getting a little antsy. Well sorry. But holograms do NOT make you POWERFUL! I have dozens of holographic covers of comics from the 80’s and as yet they haven’t granted me the ability to fly or anything. But sure… these are special holograms… made by SCIENCE! Well fine. You win. But if you have a second I have this bridge I want to sell you. Also: YOU ARE NOT HELPING… YOU HOLOGRAPH WORSHIPPING MORON!

Also they sell these at 7-11 in some places. Slap yourself for even caring.

Self-Help Books:


Far be it for me to downplay the importance of self-improvement. It’s always a good idea to improve yourself. I think that’s what “The Six Million Dollar Man” was all about, but I never watched that show very closely. If there is anything out there that is going to help you overcome your own demons, it’s not a book that starts with the phrase “An Idiot’s Guide too…” Of course this is not necessarily pseudo-science, but books like The Secret have driven things into a strange culty feel. No sir, I don’t like it.

Of course if self-help books worked so well we’d all be reading them and nobody would have any flaws. But as any woman will tell you about her boyfriend, we all have flaws. My ex-girlfriend could WRITE a book about those flaws. Face it, we are not simply a few pages away from success, but instead a few years of true introspection away from even the smallest step in the right direction. Becoming a better person is hard work, and that change costs WAY more than whatever 10 Job Secrets Nobody Tells You costs in the line at Kinkos.

To Digress here about The Secret let me mention that if “visualizing” or whatever they call it worked, then all the people who have wished I read that book would have been successful. If the secret can’t even be used to make me read The Secret, well it doesn’t work. I challenge any secret acolytes to band together and secret the hell out of me to get me to buy and read this book. It’s not going to happen. Nope. Plus that action is NOT helping.

In terms of self-help books I will say that a much better solution would be group-help friends. Remember that people trying to sell you snake oil benefits from keeping you insular and off ease. If you need any advice, keep it tuned to the Comedy Channel here at CraveOnline.com, Sure we don’t have your best interests at heart, but at least you’ll laugh.