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Why Nobody Thinks They’re a Hipster

You're not a hipster…. are you?

We've done a great job of lambasting hipsters this week. Do they deserve it? We don't really know nor do we care. What matters is that it's fun to verbally eviscerate people that aren't you. Because you couldn't possibly be a hipster…

…could you?

It's possible your urbanite, cutoff jeans wearing, single speed biking ways are just who you are. We get that your pale, redheaded, bulky glasses wearing girlfriend just prefers the smooth taste of PBR. And that dressing up as Native Americans at a party or indie rock show is ironic and in no way horribly, horribly offensive. You're a hipster in denial…you just don't know it yet.

Do you like fedoras? Hipster. Face paint? Hipster. Wearing women's clothes? Ironically? Hipster. In many ways it's terrible that so many cool fun things were co-opted by the hipster culture. We all like cheap beer and wearing funny clothes and throwing "hilarious" theme parties in our backyards in Silverlake, CA. But when a bunch of jerky people are doing it, that's when we call them hipsters.  

People that are truly hipsters never call themselves hipsters. Because once they come to that self-realization they will spontaneously combust. No joke. It's like what happened to the 'beat-generation'. Someone back in 1958 got on a microphone at a local spoken word jazz club and screamed "look at us, we're a bunch of assholes!" and then boom. Lit up like a brush fire and then ran screaming into the street burning everything. Take that Jack Kerouac.

So willful self-denial is your only option if you want to survive as a hipster. Nobody thinks they're a hipster because at one point or another we all were; we just didn't realize it. It's what kept us happy. It's what kept us alive.

Just remember to never look in the mirror hipsters, or you might find yourself looking like this asshole:

Oh wait that's ME !!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH

 
*explosion*