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So, in case you were wondering, here’s a transcription of what Jay Leno was thinking when his Casey Anthony joke initially-bombed on “The Tonight Show” last night,
starting at 1:18.
Okay, there were a few boos, a couple shouts for the first Casey Anthony joke. However, I’m sure I’m gonna win ‘em back with this more explicit Casey Anthony joke coming up. Not only is it about a woman just acquitted of murdering her own child even though she was obviously guilty, but we’re combining it with a sure-to-not-be-divisive punch line about Obama and the economic crisis. Look out audience, cause I’m landing this plane onto Hilarious Joke Island, where the coconuts are laughs and the sandy beaches are composed entirely of sand… and guffaws!
A few scattered boos…
Dear. God. No.
Okay, it must have been a mistake. A technical mistake, yeah. After all, I did everything right: told a joke about a woman who almost certainly murdered her child, combined it with a reminder of our economic woes and delivered the punch line to the band instead of the audience. If this were basketball, that joke would have been a slam dunk, shattering the backboard, sprinkling shards of glass all over the other team, sending them all to the hospital with tiny cuts.
New segment idea: I throw glass at the audience?
Alright, you dumb-dumbs. I will tell the joke again. This time, I’ll tell it bigger, bolder louder, sexier and classier, as if my giant chin were a comedy steamroller, flattening the audience with my delivery.
I will do anything to save this joke. I want the text of this joke on my tombstone, with an addendum that reads, “Wasn’t this joke really, really funny? Also, please don’t pee on my grave, you goddamn Conan fans!”
Waiting for it…
Yes, applause! Precious applause. Not much laughter, but I think we can all agree that between the ballsy gambit of re-telling the joke and the excessively loud rimshot, it should be acknowledged that I’ve been in comedy for many years and therefore I know what I’m doing. That’s right you idiots. I’m killing out there.
Killing… Killing, like what Casey Anthony is certainly guilty of doing! To her child! Ha!
Hey, you know what else is funny? Jaywalking, you magnificent bastard.