The future! That commanding utterance used to send shock-waves down my spine, but now with the year 2012 under a half a year away I'm starting to think I'll hit 50 and never be able to have sex with a cyborg. What gives? Where's my super future? Why can't I have a car that runs on the power of my farts and tap water?
But we're not asking those questions anymore. People think a hell of a lot smaller for a present where almost anything we can imagine exists. We worry about getting a 5G Verizon phone when the ability to harness the sun is almost commercially viable (in some areas, but bear with me). The United States Army has Predator drones currently scouting remote hills in the desert somewhere. PREDATOR DRONES. Robotic planes that scan and destroy enemies with missile payloads. We've finally achieved some semblance of a Terminator-style Sky Net future that we can control and no one is freaking out!?
Alright, time to sit you down and have a talk.
This is from a little over a year ago now, but I think we're all due for a little reminder from comedy's godfather why we should be more impressed with our future. Louis CK is one of my new favorite comedians, and if you don't already watch his self-titled show on FX consider this my highest recommendation. The man is a walking philosopher king, and for me, a bit more relatable than Larry David while still occupying the same "shrugging the shoulders, sigh of depression" style comedy.
Louis CK and Conan O'Brian (Team Coco all the way) have the right idea guys; we need to stop acting like spoiled shit heads and wake up to the world around us. Just have a little appreciation for man's creation and wonder for a moment. I happen to be a curator of man's creation. It's called YouTube, and I have found 3 reasons why we should be more impressed by our future.
1. Jetpacks! You whimpering "Augh my GPS on my phone isn't working" yuppie!
Oh, you weren't aware The Rocketeer had been flying around for over 5 years? Even if you had, don't you feel bad you haven't told your entire family about it yet? I have, and even though Grandma was a little bothered by me calling her at 1:30 AM completely out of my mind; I'm sure she appreciates the technology that went into this Frenchman conquering air travel.
2. Large Particle Hadron Collider! You "Why is the trash compacter clogged?" do-nothing!
Your priest and your congressman have been warning you for years "not to play god". Whether that's through cloning (inhuman!) birth control (sinner!) or creating the deep fried Twinkie (delicious!). But the above rap video shows the most dangerous thing humanity has done since the atom bomb. Scientists are now able to play with protons, energy, and dark matter like they were ping pong balls. Screw blowing ourselves up, how about risking the ability to completely unmake our reality!? Yes, they fired up this thing over a year ago and nothing happened, but would you stake your existence on a .0000000000078% chance? Not me sir, not me.
3. Videogames! You flaccid "Why isn't he accepting my friend request?" waste-of-time!
It's a 20 foot long touch screen where you can role play as The Empire's Grand Moff Tarkin deploying legions of Star Destroyers to finally rid the galaxy of the Rebel Alliance once and for all. Video games no longer have to be made after this one because Star Wars is finally real. All those years of crude crayon drawings on your family's dining room walls can finally be realized, and with none of the spanking consequences.
Also a benefit to our brave new future? No more spankings…unless they're the sexy ones. Not done by your mother, duh.