This week sees the release of Crazy Stupid Love, where middle-aged father Cal (Steve Carrell) is suddenly thrust back into single life when he discovers that his wife Emily (Julianne Moore) has been cheating on him.
But this is Hollywood: Cal will probably win back the heart of his jaded bride AND have a lot of sex with beautiful women in the process. What about the regular Joe Shmo, who finds out that his girlfriends “extra shifts at work” have actually been an elaborate ruse to jump the bones of her douchebag co-worker Steve?
Here’s how us average guys deal with the aftermath of a girlfriend gone astray.
Find out the name of the guy she’s banging; hunt him down; realize he’s bigger than you; run away.
After your girlfriend breaks the news of her and Steve’s secret liaisons, you quickly take to Facebook to find that son-of-a-bitch and send him the most intimidating private message he’ll EVER receive. You eventually find him and click on his profile. He doesn’t know what’s coming to him, you say to yourself, pressing the caps lock button in anticipation. And then you see his photo. Is that – is that his neck?! And what’s that sticking out of it?! And what’s THAT?! My God, he looks like the bastard lovechild of Arnold Schwarzenegger and a Stegosaurus!
You sign out of Facebook.
Drink alone listening to Jeff Buckley.
You open a bottle of Jack Daniels. You put on Grace. You’ll never find love again.
Become the subject of an intervention.
You’ve spent the best part of a month doing nothing but sitting in your room watching daytime television. You’re curled up in your bed with the curtains closed, grasping the TV remote as if it were the One Ring. The closed curtains combined with your lack of exposure to sunlight means you have the complexion of a member of the undead. You smell like an ass crack.
There’s a knock on the door – it’s your buddies, Matt and Eric. “We’re going out tonight,” they say, “and we want you to come with us.” You beg, you plead, you refuse – “DON’T MAKE ME GO OUT THERE! THERE’S NOTHING OUT THERE FOR ME OTHER THAN HEARTBREAK AND REGRET!” Suddenly you find yourself standing in the shower, water washing over your head as you wonder how the f*** they convinced you to do this.
F*** it – she was a bitch anyway; GET ME ANOTHER SHOT!
You’ve now consumed enough alcohol to tranquilise a small horse, and have thus come to the conclusion that her cheating on you is actually a good thing. Think of all the hot girls you can bang now! All those possibilities. If anything, she’s done you a favour. You should probably call her and thank her… Matt takes your phone from out of your hands. You weren’t actually going to call her, you tell him, you were just “checking the time”. He gives you a know-it-all glance and passes you another shot.
Next thing you wake up in your bedroom. It’s 4 in the afternoon. You turn on your iMac and check Facebook – you’re tagged in 18 photos. 15 of them feature you motorboating fat girls, 3 of them you vomiting in the back of a cab. You listen to Jeff Buckley again.
You bump into Steve at the gym.
You need to get yourself another girlfriend. That’s the only way for it. Unfortunately all those solitary nights spent drinking Jack Daniels have taken their toll, and you currently have the physique of a beached manatee. You get yourself a gym membership, put on your tightest shorts and prepare yourself for 30-minutes of gut-busting treadmill action. Wait a second, is that – is that STEVE?!
That bastard. First he steals your girl, now he’s stealing your running equipment?! How dare he! This is an outrage! Why, you oughta…
You turn a complete 180 degrees and exit the gym. You never return.
You meet a new girl.
It’s been 3 months. You’ve found someone new. She’s charming. She’s beautiful. Her co-workers are ugly as f***. She’s the perfect woman.