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Slippers: They’re Not Just For Old People!

They’re also for the young, comfort-seeking unemployed.

“Fetch me my slippers” is a familiar cry heard from elderly folks and 1950's dads across the country. However, a new demographic is getting into slippers: young people. More specifically: just me! I regularly wear a pair of L.L. Bean slippers my grandmother gave me as a Chanukah gift three years ago, and I’ve never looked back. If you’re one of those people who think slippers are only for regular voters (elderly people), look at the facts:

 

Slipper Fact #1: Slippers Are Great!

Who wants to wear shoes all day? Not this guy. They’re clunky, they’re not always comfortable and the laces occasionally get untied, as if we didn’t have enough to worry about with today’s economy!

Who wants to wear socks all day? Don’t look at me. Socks get smelly fast. At least, they do on my horrible feet, and if you step into a tiny puddle of water on the kitchen floor wearing socks, you might as well go back to bed. Day ruined.

Slippers provide a fuzzy middle ground. They’re lighter than shoes and don’t have laces. They’re comfortable and many have thin soles, so water doesn’t affect them as easily. Plus, they don’t get smelly as fast as socks do. Now that's what I call, "perfection."

 

Slipper Fact #2: Slippers Come In The Shapes of Various Fictional Characters

Want to walk around in Spongebobs? That can be arranged. Want to put your feet into Homer Simpson’s mouth? That might be construed as gross unless you were referring to these “Simpsons” slippers. Want to have the feet of Chewbacca the Wookie? These are the slippers you’re looking for.

Sure, there are awesome novelty sneakers as well, but whereas the Gremlins sneakers have a Gremlins pattern, these Gizmo slippers are essentially two Gizmos. Which one’s gonna impress Howie Mandel more? That’s what I thought.

 

Slipper Fact #3: Slippers Are Perfect For… Uh, The Lazy… I Guess?

Feeling lazy and sleepy? Like, all the time? My doctor says I’m clinically depressed, but I’m self-medicating with a regular dosage of Slippermutrin (slippers). They’re perfect for those days when you don’t want to try, but also know how shitty it would be to wear sweatpants.

We all know dudes can’t wear sweatpants unless they actually plan to exercise that day and therefore sweat into them. However, slippers and jeans? Now you’re talking my language: the language of Slipperese. How do you conjugate verbs in Slipperese? Who the f*** cares? I’m wearing comfortable slippers as I write this very sentence. Ahh…

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh….

 

Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator, “The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans,” in comic book stores across the country. Header image by Flickr's very own Larry1732.