Watching Jim Carrey’s bizarre-o wet dream via handheld video recorder, made me think of Danny Rolling—the Grisly Gainesville killer who slaughtered University of Flordia students back in the nineties. He decapitated one girl, and positioned her head on a shelf and her body poised at her desk. This was just the tip of the iceberg, for this freakster, folks. I mean Rolling not Carrey of course.
Now, call me morbid and nutty, or call me spot on. Watching that porno-without-the-sex video that Carrey taped, really made me wonder about the guy. It made me wonder what kind of freaky-deaky stuff he does in his spare time that we don’t know about—like if he has an overweight cat named Andrea that he massages with his tongue, and if he watches episodes of Webster while locked in his bathroom.
What I’m getting at is the roaring desperation not even thinly veiled behind his vapid jokes and feeble stabs at humor alive and kicking in the video. If anything, I feel as a nation we should mourn the loss of our favorite funny-boy. The curtain has been swept aside and we’re seeing what’s behind it—and it’s a guy whose sad and lonely and chokes the chicken to pictures of Emma Stone.
And as a side note, what really startled me a great deal about this video was how damn old Jimmy looks. I mean, WHOA. Aside from the general disturbing quality of the video, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the deep tire tracks all over his face. Serious wrinkles. Serious F-ing wrinkles. He’d talk and push the corners of his mouth into a half-smile that I think he was trying to make look boyish, but it all just looked like a cross between Alfred E. Newman, Robert Duvall and Smithers (from the Simpsons).
Now I have a breakdown of possible motivations Jim Carrey had for making this viral pipe-dream.
1. Jim Carrey has a huge sick crush/obsession with Emma Stone. He still believes his star power is such that he can pull her from nerdy-but-sometimes-cute-high-foreheaded Andrew Garfield. He figures Emma grew up with movies like Liar Liar and Ace Ventura and that a funny girl like her would still want to try him out for a roll in the hay. His dream reaction of Emma’s to this video would be “oh my god, you’re so funny and no, you’re not too old!”
2. Jim Carrey made the video as a big F-you to Jenny McCarthy. She’s banging some agent/lawyer with the NFL. He hasn’t moved on and he’s jealous, and nothing says F-you to someone by a bold public display of hitting/fawning/slurping on someone who is drastically younger than your ex.
Regardless of the reasons why (and they're nost likely a healthy mix of both), Emma stone is going to laugh it off in her typically husky manner and shudder privately, and 100 bucks says she’s going to decline the invite that Carrey’s people offer her to have dinner with him on his yacht. Shes laughing her way to the bank on all the free publicity too…