Did you watch The Walking Dead season 2 premiere last night? Who am I kidding, of course you did, and if you didn’t then everybody dies at the end and the hot blonde gets her boobs out. You really want to watch it now, don’t you? I should be a marketer.
While watching The Walking Dead I began pondering that age-old question: how would I react if faced with the zombie apocalypse? Now I’m not one for blowing my own enviously large trumpet, but I’ve watched enough zombie films and played enough zombie videogames by now to consider myself something of an undead connoisseur, and now I am ready to impart my seasoned wisdom onto you, the CraveOnline reader.
Here are the top Do’s and Don’ts of the Zombie Apocalypse. Feel free to leave your own in the comments section below.
DO: Buddy up with the vulnerable, handsome hero
Is there a guy in your group of survivors who’s as ruggedly handsome as he is emotionally scarred? Does he often gaze into the distance, perhaps questioning his own insignificance as you are overwhelmed by the undead horde? Are his eyes as blue as gentle waves lapping on a sun-kissed shore? If so, you’re going to want to stick with him.
When the survivors suggest that it’s “best to split up” (it isn’t, but they will), make sure you find yourself on the team that has the guy who’d feature on the poster of the apocalypse, because chances are him and whichever girl he’s sleeping with are the only ones that are going to make it out alive.
DON’T: Buddy up with the incredibly sexy hot girl
While you may think that the middle of the apocalypse is as good as a time as any to spend the night with a Victoria’s Secret underwear model, you’ll be disappointed to find that by spurning the offer of help from the aforementioned handsome/vulnerable guy and instead choosing the girl with the impossibly long legs, you’re singing your own death warrant.
DO: Make sure you’re packing
As a former smoker, there were oftentimes when a reasonably attractive girl would wander up to me, flutter her eyelashes and ask me for a cigarette. Clearly she thought that by me giving her a cigarette I’d assume that she was eventually going to have sex with me; fortunately, I was quite thrifty with my cigarettes (rightfully so, I’d bought the bloody things), so I’d always politely tell the girl to stop derailing 50 years of feminists’ work and go and buy her own fecking packs of Marlboro’s.
This is what your attitude should be with your gun. No matter how long a fellow survivor flutters their eyelashes at you, make sure that you have your weapon with you at all times.
DON’T: Rely on melee weapons
Although movies and videogames have led you to believe that zombies’ heads are attached to their neck by a thin piece of cotton, in actuality decapitating a human with a makeshift melee weapon would be quite the task. Unless you somehow find yourself in possession of a samurai sword, you’re going to need to equip yourself with a decent gun and a decent pair of running shoes.
DO: Find yourself a sturdy vehicle
Zombie Movie Rules dictate that your vehicle will break down during your journey to safety, so when this happens you’re going to need to make sure that your ride isn’t a motorbike or a smart car. While driving a motorhome might make you feel like you should be skinning squirrels whilst making racist slurs, it’ll ensure that when your vehicle inevitably ceases to function in the middle of a herd of the living dead, you’ll at least still have a chance of surviving.
DON’T: Fall over.
When I refer to ‘zombies’, I mean the original slow, shuffling, George Romero zombies. The 28 Days Later zombies, while being a whole heap more terrifying, aren’t considered real zombies by us zombie purists. The reasoning behind their introduction, however, is understandable: it’s incredibly easy to escape from an enemy that is suffering from rigamortis.
In fact, the only way that you could possibly find yourself being gnawed on by an original zombie is if you were silly enough to find yourself surrounded or, even worse, you somehow fell over. The Number One Killer in a zombie apocalypse is tripping over your own feet like Bambi on ice, so when fending off the undead make sure that A) You haven’t been drinking and B) You’ve tied your shoelaces correctly.